"In order to write about life, first you must live it." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Category: Getting older

Nostalgia

There is a video, created by Austin, an AI creator, on Tik Tok. It is a  very powerful video that depicts various scenes focusing on the theme of nostalgia and what that means to her. It’s a beautiful video that tells a story, much like writing does. You can view it here: Nostalgia.

Nostalgia refers to a sentimental or wistful affection for the past, typically for a specific time or place with  memories. It combines joy for fond memories with the sadness of knowing those moments are gone. Sometimes the memories are flashes in our mind while others are ones that we want to sit in and fully experience. These memories can be difficult as we mourn time passed, lost loved ones, or feelings that life was better “back then” and wanting to be in that time period.

The video Austin created made ME nostalgic. I recently turned 55 and it was impactful for me from the perspective of looking back on my life; all the joyous occasions, the sad ones, and the ones in-between. There were the accomplishments and the failures. The births and the deaths.

My grandmother’s house.

My mother’s parents, Memere and Pepere,  lived about 15 minutes from us and it was where we spent our holidays, our family gatherings,  and just in general, dropped in. I know a lot of you can identify with your grandparent’s home as a place of fond memories and nostalgia and the same is true for me.

I can walk through the entire house in my mind, which brings me comfort when life becomes too much: my teenage uncle’s room, the cabinet where my mom kept a scrapbook of JFK, the front porch rocking chairs that rocked a little too much for an 8 year old. The glass Coca-Cola bottles in the porch refrigerator, my Memere’s vanity table that looked pretty enough for a supermodel, and the recliners my Memere and Pepere sat in every night. It was all a source of comfort, of quiet belonging.

A home built in the early 1900’s; the home I grew up in.

In my mind, it was a mansion. Rooms to play hide and seek, a yard with a large oak tree in the back that made a great hideout, my mother folding clothes or cooking while watching General Hospital, the brown couch I was sitting on when I learned my grandfather had died. I recently looked up my childhood “mansion” on Zillow only to find out that it was a mansion only in my mind because in fact, it was 1680 square feet.

I can visualize every corner of that home from the room that held our Christmas tree to my upstairs bedroom that faced the street where I would spy on my crush, Shawn, through his window when the curtains were open. I distinctly remember hot summer nights. We only had one air conditioner upstairs. My parents put it in their room and on very hot nights, my brother and I would each bring our sleeping bags and “camp out” on their bedroom floor. Honestly, I could go on and on about memories of both those homes. We left that house when I was 15 years old but it will forever live in my heart.

Nostalgia is more than homes we hold in our heart. It’s about people, places, and events.

I was in 7th grade band with a music teacher named Mr. Hart. he was a younger teacher and all the girls thought he was so hip. Maybe he was, but he was more important to me than that. You see, I was being significantly bullies by some of the boys in my school. Even though I never told him, Mr. Hart knew I was having a hard time. He spent extra time with me after school helping me get better with my flute and even formed a club that he made me president of. That club was where I started to make friends. He showed up in my Facebook feed about 40 years later and I friended him. We caught up a bit and it was nice to see photos of his family.

(Interlude: Took a lunch break with Chef Boyardee mini raviolis, a fond memory from childhood)!

My flute led me to a high school marching band that was award winning. I made even more friends and the nostalgia I feel over those times in marching band visit me often. Road trips to competitions, sleep overs, the after school practices, prom, and random drives through empty industrial parks, possibly wreaking havoc.

I could go on and on about the cherished memories of nostalgia about college, my first nursing job, my wedding and so on. But for now, that is enough. The rest get to live just in my mind, and my heart.

I would love to hear about some of the nostalgia you have recently experienced. It can be happy or sad. I focused on my happy ones because mentally, that’s where I need to be right now. Fell free to write them in the comment section below.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Birthday to Me

 

Fifty -five years ago today, I was born.  4:01am or maybe it was 1:04 am. I’m sure my mom will let me know later today.

I don’t want to say I am struggling with turning 55 but it’s hitting me a little different this year. To begin with, I’m coming out the other end of a mental health crisis and things feel different, better. I think I’m also at an age where I’m beginning to not care so much about the unimportant things or the drama that comes with existing amongst other people.

I also think what is hitting me different is feeling the need to look back…back on my relationships, career, health, all of it. The photo you see at the top is of me at Niagara Falls when I was four years old. We were visiting my aunt and uncle in Buffalo. I don’t remember the trip but since it was 1974, none of my cousins on my mom’s side were born yet and my younger brother was about to be born.

I look at that four year old and wonder, what she was thinking, probably sick of getting her picture taken in front of a lot of water! She’s so innocent; blissfully unaware of the heartache she will face: a broken engagement, divorce, loss, illness. She’s also unaware of the joys she is going to experience; marrying the love of her life, family celebrations, friends, the privilege of taking care of sick kids. I know I’m missing a lot in there but all of it comes together to form my life, my one precious life.

My husband and I were supposed to go out today to celebrate; nothing fancy, just a ride up to my favorite candle store and then dinner. But then life happened and this week has left me run down and depleted…ER last weekend as my parents were in a car accident, four days of a program I’m in, my husband ending up in the ER last night, celebrating my granddaughter’s birthday and the list goes on.

This.
This is also what forms my precious life.

So instead, I’m going to stay home, rest, write, read, watch a movie with my husband, and get take out. All of my favorite thing to do at home.

Here’s to another year of joy, sadness, and everything else that will come with 55. Happy Birthday to me!