For Everything There is a Season

"In order to write about life, first you must live it." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Category: God (Page 3 of 4)

Reclaiming My Voice

November 5, 2012 / / 6 Comments

 
“Music exalts each joy, allays each grief, expels diseases, softens every pain, subdues the rage of poison, and the plague.” ~ John Armstrong
 
 

Grief is a sneaky invader; creeping up on you when you least expect it sometimes. Maybe it makes its guest appearance after a random conversation or during those still hours when the house is quiet. Sometimes grief is over the loved one we have lost. Sometimes grief comes in the form of losing something that we were once capable of doing.

My invader made a visit last Thursday. I wasn’t prepared for it but then again, are we ever really prepared?

I understood the circumstances of why I was feeling particularly sad last Thursday. I had been spending some time last week with a friend of ours at doctor’s appointments. He had asked me to be, as a nurse and as a friend, a second set of ears in preparation for a major upcoming surgery he was having this week. A surgery he was going through without his wife, who suddenly passed away at such a young age; almost two years ago.

His wife, my friend.

Of course I have thought about my friend in these past two years, but it has been a long time since I have mourned her. I had gone through my grieving process and I had chosen to remember her with fond memories and joy. However last week made me stop and think about how very unfair life can be sometimes. It didn’t seem right that he couldn’t have her there with him by his side. What a loss this world experienced when she left us. The grief felt palpable once again.

Once I came home from the second day of doctor’s visits, the house was quiet when the grief hit me and I decided that maybe the best way to deal with it would be to go on my computer and browse through some photos and videos of my friend. Remember her with laughter. Like the photos she took of me eating soggy grilled asparagus. It looked like I was eating worms. Don’t ask! I eventually ended up scanning YouTube for videos as our church posts its services and choir performances videos on there.

Choir.
A tough place for me to be lately. Actually, I haven’t been there as much.

My friend was in the choir and she was the one responsible for getting me involved in our church choir. Singing for God has been one of my steadfast passions until recently. I say recently because not being able to sing for the past few months, due to struggles with my autoimmune illness, has been a loss for me. Sometimes the difficulty has been with my lungs, fatigue, the dryness of my vocal cords, or issues with reflux affecting my throat. The fact that this has happened to other Sjogren’s patients has just discouraged me all the more. A lot of the time, I truly cannot physically sing and sometimes it is just energy that I cannot afford to spend that particular day or week. Although I have to be honest, I do wonder if occasionally I am just so exhausted and discouraged, that it is just easier to sit it out. Don’t tell anyone though because most of the time, people don’t understand that part of having a chronic illness unless they have experienced it themselves.

As I was looking through these church videos, I came across a YouTube video of my fiance and I singing the song “Mary Did You Know?” at our church Christmas cantata last year. A cantata dedicated to my friend’s memory. A song that has become significant to me because I had to overcome respiratory issues to be able to pull off that performance. It was a good performance. And I was grief stricken again. Because when I heard my voice on that video, I felt like physically, I wasn’t in the same place as last year. Actually I know I am not. My illness has taken more from me physically this year, including at times, the quality of my voice. Is that selfish? Maybe. Because let’s face it, compared to my friend not being here, it’s not as significant. But it is still my loss.

Fast forward to Friday. I am sitting at a Women of Faith conference in Hartford, CT. An incredible event that you will probably hear more about at a later date. I am thoroughly enjoying listening to a Christian comedian. A man named Mark Lowry.

Mark Lowry.
Why does that name sound familiar?

I decide to stop torturing myself trying to place the name because this man is so funny, I don’t want to miss a word that he says. He’s that good.

What I didn’t realize, until he opens his mouth to do so, is that this man can also sing. What a voice on him! What a talent to be able to make people laugh and to be able to sing like that.

What I also didn’t realize? That this man write songs.

How do I know this? Because at the end of his performance, he sang a song that he wrote. A song that over thirty recording artists have performed since he wrote it.

The song?
“Mary Did You Know?”

Seriously? Come on.

Now you can say what you will about coincidence and such but here are the facts. I had tickets for this conference for months, but did not know that the man who wrote the lyrics to this song was going to be there. I had not watched the video of that Christmas cantata in at least eight or so months. I also did not know about my friend’s surgery until last week.

So I don’t believe this was all coincidence. I am typically not a person who makes radical proclamations and I certainly do not typically write about them publicly online; although maybe I will more often now.

I believe this was God speaking to me.
I believe this was my friend speaking to me.

I believe they were telling me that as long as I am not harming myself, to keep singing as best as I can, when I can, but to push a little harder.

I believe they were telling me to stop comparing myself to other people. To get back to my speech therapy exercises, to do some research online, to stop reading about what other Sjogren’s patients can and cannot do for a while.

And finally, I believe they were telling me to believe a little less in my illness and a little more in myself.


































































































Photo Courtesy of Google Images

Medicare, Blue Cross/Blue Shield, and Me

September 21, 2012 / / 5 Comments



Found this kind of funny since I have a busted up foot and have no health insurance. Well, at least at the beginning of the story…

 

Note: This essay was written Thursday September 20,2012

My best friend, who also is disabled and struggles with her own chronic health issues, recently made a statement to me in reference to how I was feeling about unexpectedly not having health insurance. She said that for people like us, having your health insurance abruptly ripped away from you is like a person suddenly being laid off from their job. Those of us who are disabled or have chronic illnesses may depend on our health insurance every single day just like most people have to depend on having an income from a job every single day. Once that gets taken away from you unexpectedly, how do you feel?

Anxious.

Angry.

Fearful.

There is a long story to why I have lost my health insurance twice since July 2012 and when I have more energy and more answers, I will blog more about my experiences with the Social Security, Medicare and disability systems. Today, I just cannot because the system has me completely exhausted and worn done and I want this entry to focus on the miraculous thing that happened today. A thing that despite all the negative things we have to say about the health care system, the insurance companies, and the government, proves that there are good people out there who care.

The short version is this. I switched from my ex-husband’s health insurance that I was on as part of our divorce agreement to Medicare Part B July 2012 as I found out I was being dropped from his coverage. I had been eligible for Part B for quite a while but chose to stay on his as it had better coverage and was more affordable. I had notified all parties involved about my decision and took all the appropriate steps and was told that if and when I was dropped from my ex’s group coverage, I would be eligible for Medicare Part B through special enrollment which is what I did. Because of my extensive medical care needs and Sjogren’s specialists that are only located in CT (I live in MA), I also signed up for a Blue Cross Blue Shield (BCBS) PPO Medicare plan; known as a Medicare Advantage plan. This became my official insurance for everything. It cost a lot more for premiums, co pays, drugs, labs, etc. but was my best option at the time.

Social Security Adminstration (SSA) made a huge error and dropped my Part B in mid July which in turn dropped me from BCBS. To this day, nobody can explain the error. It was a fiasco. They still owe me large sums of money that they mistakenly took from my monthly SSDI checks. Errors they have admitted to but have yet to set straight. However the health insurance was put back in place after approximately two weeks and life went on.

I contacted Congressman’s John Olver’s office in western Massachusetts to assist me in getting this money back. They began to diligently work on the issue but meanwhile once again, without notice, my Medicare Part B was dropped in September without an adequate explanation except to be told there was a systems error. This of course prompted BCBS to drop me from their plan which is standard procedure, leaving me with no medical coverage at all. I had no notification except from my local CVS pharmacist who called to notify me that one of my refills did not go through because my insurance was denied and then a voice mail from SSA saying “you no longer have Part B, I don’t know why, and don’t know what to do about it.” I was unable to connect with my case worker at SSA however I was able to speak with the congressional aid at Congressman’s Olver’s office who started to follow through on the issue for me.

Meanwhile I was dealing with an exacerbation of my Sjogren’s syndrome which required an increase in medications and more lab work, an orthopedic appointment of a six month old sprained ankle that had gone bad, and an MRI. I started physical therapy for said ankle and then had to stop as I had no insurance and was worried the issue won’t get straightened out as by this point I didn’t understand what the issue was or what was going to happen next.

I have learned to handle stress very well. I have to with an autoimmune illness because stress just makes my symptoms worse. But not having health insurance puts me in sheer panic mode and I had my first panic attack in years. I became afraid to answer the phone or check the mailbox because it was always bad news that just made my situation worse and more frustrating. My days became filled with dealing with emails, phone calls, documenting every single thing said or done, working with health care providers and the pharmacy; the list goes on and on.

After several straight days of dealing with this, yesterday I heard back from the Congressman’s office who told me she got me reinstated in Medicare Part B but being the skeptic I am, I knew I would not feel sure about this until I called BCBS the next day to get reinstated with them because they would check the system and I would know for sure I was all set.

So today I called and sure enough, according to the system, I did not have Part B and could not get my BCBS back. I told the rep how I had to borrow money to pay for my medications yesterday and had to cancel appointments which was concerning since I just found out that my MRI showed a torn tendon in my right ankle. Also I had missed an important eye doctor appointment today. She promised me that she would flag my file and watch the system for my name to come through as maybe I went into the system late yesterday at SSA and might come through tomorrow morning. I knew better though. It wasn’t going to be that simple.

So I hung up and just cried. I asked God why can’t the people in charge just make this right so I can get the care I need and so I can not feel so riddled with anxiety to the point where I feel like I am on the verge of panic? Don’t they realize because of my health issues how vulnerable I am? I have utilized every resource I have. I prayed for the strength to just keep going.

And then the phone rang. I hesitated to pick it up because well, it’s always bad news lately. It was a woman named Judy from BCB. She told me that effective today I will be fully reinstated onto my BCBS plan. I told her that I had just spoken to someone from BCBS who said I wasn’t in the Medicare Part B system yet so that couldn’t be done. This woman said that yes, that is true what the previous woman said and that that same woman had then contacted her and that the priority to them is that I receive the medical care I need. And apparently she was the one that was going to make that happen.

I started to cry, a lot.
Because I had health insurance again.
Because I could get the care that I needed.
Because someone cared enough to go to the edge for me.
I was no longer just a number.
I was a human being.

She said my coverage will be retroactive to July 1st (as it should be) and she will check to make sure that none of my recent claims will be denied. She said she needs twenty-four hours to get my prescription coverage in place but to bring all my scripts, including ones I paid for out of pocket so far, to CVS and they will be covered effective tomorrow. She said to make sure I attend my physical therapy appointment tomorrow and to be assured that I now have medical insurance. She will deal with the rest. She was my angel.

This is what happens when God is listening and when you are fortunate enough to find your way to the compassionate people who work in the health insurance industry. Thank you Judy.

Addendum: I called Blue Cross/Blue Shield again today September 21st to reconfirm that I still have an active policy because well, it just seemed all a little too good to be true. And yes, I still have coverage. So today I am off to get a prescription and another much needed physical therapy session. God is good.

























































Photo Courtesy of Google Images

Whale Watching…Life Watching…

July 8, 2012 / / 2 Comments
“We clear the harbor and the wind catches her sails and my beautiful ship leans over ever so gracefully, and her elegant bow cuts cleanly into the increasing chop of the waves. I take a deep breath and my chest expands and my heart starts thumping so strongly I fear the others might see it beat through the cloth of my jacket. I face the wind and my lips peel back from my teeth in a grin of pure joy.”  ~ L.A. Meyer

I have always loved the ocean, especially the New England coastline. Beaches, lighthouses, sand, boats, and scenic views are just the beginning of my love affair with the ocean. Add to that the sound of waves crashing the rugged shoreline as well as the smell of the salt water penetrating my nostrils and I am in a state of complete contentment. Pure joy even.

Up until last year, I was always more a spectator of the New England coastline and it’s vast Atlantic Ocean rather than a participant. I would walk beaches scouring for shells and tour lighthouses but with the exception of two ferry trips, I was never actually on the ocean. Then last year Chuck and I spent an afternoon on a tugboat as part of the MS Harborfest event benefiting the Multiple Sclerosis Society and I was hooked. I found a new love in Portland, Maine. A love of piers, fishing vessels, lobster traps, and even the somewhat foul smell of a fishing port.

We had been wanting to go on a whale watch together since we started dating almost two years ago. Chuck had been several times before and I had never been. I am not quite sure why. I think part of it was that I always shied away from going on boats due to issues with motion sickness and also just never really having the opportunity to be on a boat. However this year we were finally able to make the time to schedule it and it worked out that I was finally well enough to brave the adventure.

So yesterday we made the trip to Gloucester, Massachusetts, about two hours from our home, to go on a whale watch with a company called 7 Seas Whale Watch. I was beyond excited mostly because it was an experience I had never had before and also because I got to be on the ocean again. Apparently I come from a long line of fisherman on my dad’s side of the family and when I did a genealogy research many years ago, Gloucester was one of the areas that some of my distant relatives had worked and lived in. Maybe it is in the blood!

Nothing though could have prepared me for the experience I had yesterday and how profoundly it affected me.

After taking a good dose of Dramamine for motion sickness, we got on the boat. Everyone else getting on board seemed so intent on getting a seat and staying put. By the time we got on, there were no seats left except inside the cabin and I didn’t see the point of staying in there! My first thought was that it was going to be difficult to stand with my physical issues as the trip was supposed to be almost four hours long. But then I decided it was going to all work out somehow for the best. So instead, we settled ourselves by standing at the bow of the boat, which is the very tip of the front of the boat. The width was enough room for Chuck and I to stand together side by side with nobody in front of us and nobody to the sides of us. There was a double railing so it gave me the ability to switch positions often by leaning and supporting myself on the rail. I figured eventually there would be an open seat somewhere out of the deck.

Absolute best decision.

Why? Because when the boat started moving, we had the best view ever. I knew at that point that there was no way I would be moving from that spot unless I was on the verge of collapse. The boat had such a low profile (meaning close to the water) that it felt like we were right on the water. And with the boat traveling at speeds of up to about 20mph, being at the bow was incredible. Wind rushing through my hair and body and having an unobstructed view of the vast Atlantic Ocean was priceless.

At first, we slowly moved out of Gloucester Harbor which is just a treat in itself. Breathtaking scenery of lighthouses, fishing vessels, old buildings, and even a harbor seal! Then as we moved out of the harbor, the temperature dropped and what was stretched in front of me was the beautiful vastness of the Atlantic Ocean. An occasional fishing or sailboat was all we saw at first and then we saw nothing but blue water as far as the horizon where it met the sky.

And it just got better.

Since we were at the very front of the boat, I spotted the first whale. I could see in front of that horizon water shooting up from the surface. Water from the blowhole of a whale. A creature that I had never seen before in its home. A creature free to roam its land freely, untouched by the modern world that we live in.

As we got closer to the whale watching spot, the boat slowed down and eventually stopped. It is a surreal feeling being in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean at a standstill. No other vessels around (at that point) and people on the boat waiting in silence; waiting to see the great creature we had come to observe.

And then they came, not one but two whales. Two humpback whales diving in and out of the vast ocean working as a pair while they were feeding. Such an incredible sight. Such a natural sight. A sight that left me with tears welling up in my eyes. Why, I am not sure.

From what we were told by the naturalist narrating our tour, the area we were in, Stellwagon Bank, is a large feeding area for the whales, USA Today has listed this area off the coast of Gloucester as one of the world’s top ten whale watching sites.

I can see why.

Apparently we happened to hit an unusual day for our whale watch. There was an abundance of whales to watch and it was amazing how close the captain of our boat could get us to these magnificent creatures. Humpbacks, Finbacks, and Minke whales were on the agenda for yesterday. Sometimes we would see one, sometimes two working in tandem to gather their food to store up for the winter when they would then migrate down to the Caribbean where there is no food available for them. We got to see a calf, which is a baby whale. At one point, we could see several whales with the water shooting out of their blowholes in the distance. There had to be at least four gathered together.

Another treat was that we saw schools of Atlantic White-sided Dolphins, which is an unusual sight in July. Normally they grace the water of the Atlantic in the spring and fall. Sometimes we saw two swimming at a time; sometimes four. Sometimes swimming alone and more incredibly, sometimes flanking the sides of a humpback whale as he/she travelled the waters. At one point, our boat drove along the dolphins as they perfectly synchronized their swimming in pairs alongside our boat.

Nature in perfect harmony.
Life in perfect harmony.

After staying out in the whale’s feeding area for what seemed like an infinite amount of time, our vessel made its way back to Gloucester Harbor. This time I found a seat but still I was at the front of the boat. My senses felt pleasurably assaulted once again. The sound of the ocean water rushing away from the sides of the boat sounded like music. The smell of the salt water still in the air.

Sometimes spiritual experiences come when you least expect them. I have to say, I was due for a spiritual experience; one that made me feel like I was more connected with God and with myself. I am not sure exactly how it happened. Maybe it was because of my spot on the boat, up there in the front. It helped me to feel like Chuck and I were the only ones on that boat. Like we were almost right on the water with those creatures. Maybe because like I mentioned earlier, we were in a place untouched by our modern world with all of it’s distractions. A place of beauty.

One thing I do know for sure: we were in God’s country. For me, a place free of doctors and medical tests. Free of insurance and disability companies. Free of technology. Free of other people’s drama. Free of stress, disappointments, and expectations. A peaceful place.

In other words, a little piece of heaven.
Right here on earth.

Photos Courtesy of Chuck Myers

“Why Me?”

April 4, 2012 / / 8 Comments

Every hand in need that reaches for me

is a piece of my salvation.
The troubles they have mirror mine.
In acknowledging their demands.
I help heal their wounds, give them hope.
What I want is to be selfish and sit in the dark.
I want to scream… WHY ME!
But with the Grace of God, I cannot.
I sympathize with the pain and sorrow.
My compassion is the light by which I walk,
it is what heals me.
~ Cyndi Lamacchia
This is an excerpt from the poetry that was read during our Easter Cantata at my church last Sunday. This particular part was written by another member of my church and in the moment that it was being read aloud by my minister, the words grabbed me. It seemed to echo how I had been feeling about my life over the past several weeks.
I think it is a great piece not only because it sang to me, but also because it can be interpreted in many different ways; both religious and non religious. My first interpretation upon hearing it is that it is about Jesus. But then I realized that it could also be about many of us; those who are facing huge obstacles in our lives. Sometimes one obstacle right after another in a relentless fashion.
This particular Sunday morning found me feeling lousy and I was questioning whether I should get up and go to church at all. I was battling a sinus infection on top of dealing with some of the same ongoing neurological issues and I was also recovering from a nasty fall the week before. Not even to mention that I was weaning down my dose of steroids, which typically causes my body a lot of grief until my body readjusts to the new dose. The assault on my body just seemed to continue week after week. And honestly, I was sick and tired of it.

As Chuck was getting dressed that morning and I was debating in my mind whether it was wiser to get up and go or stay home and rest, a statement that is very atypical for me came blurting out of my mouth. I said that maybe I should get myself to church if for no other reason than to ask God why he keeps throwing one health obstacle after another at me with no respite. Why can’t he just give me a break? I thought I was half kidding when I uttered the words but the thoughts and words came so fast that I think there was some truth to them. Because looking back at the past three months, it really has been one issue after another and let’s face it, I already had a full plate to begin with.

“Why me?”

I don’t do the whole self pity thing too often and to be honest, I don’t think that God is up wherever he is plotting different ways to torture me. I believe in a loving God. Not one that punishes us. I like to think that there is a reason for most things that happen in life but lately, I am not so sure about that. Am I being tested? Do I just have terrible luck? As you can tell, I have been doing a lot of questioning lately about why I am in the place I am with my health. I don’t blame God necessarily but I do sit back and wonder about it. Am I experiencing this in order to appreciate the many blessings that I do have in my life? Is it supposed to make me a stronger person? Or is it just the way it is?

Regardless, the onslaught of physical problems over the past three months has all led to me wanting to selfishly, as this poem mentions, spend more time than usual in the dark.

Stay in bed. Stay home. Let the illness win.

But I do not.
I keep going.

I keep going for many reasons:
For the family and friends who love me and have cheered me on day after day, week after week.

For all those affected by Sjogren’s syndrome and other chronic illnesses I have met online and in person whose hand in need has reached for me. At times they have been MY salvation.

For myself because I like to believe that someday the light by which I walk will be much brighter.
It is very easy to fall into the “why me?” trap. Although perhaps a perfectly natural response, it is a futile one. The time and energy spent in our self pity over events that we may not have control over leads us to make less than optimum decisions. Decisions are something that we DO have control over. Instead of making the decision to give into our crisis or illness, we can make attempts at avoiding the dark place. Like deciding if we truly need to stay in bed and rest versus making an attempt to be in the world. Or like the decision to push ourselves on a difficult day to get outside and walk; even if it is just a very short distance. Maybe making a conscious decision to replace “why me?” with “how can I help you” to another person. It is not always easy to make these decisions as sometimes we should rest or not take that walk if it will do more harm than good.

This is the point in my blog entry where I wrap it up with some heartfelt opinion or realization but truly, I have none today. And that is not a bad thing either. It means that I still wrestle with the issue and like is implied in the poem, I am not alone in this. I would like to know what my readers think about this topic.

Do you ever sit back and say “why me?”

What do you do to avoid getting sucked into that dark place?

Do you feel that it changes the way that you think about God?

Photo Courtesy of Google Images

Are You There God? It’s Me, Christine

January 19, 2012 / / 9 Comments
“People see God every day, they just don’t recognize him.” ~ Pearl Bailey

Remember that book? Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret by Judy Blume was a pop culture sensation written in the 1970’s. As a child of the seventies and eighties, it was a must have for any teenager’s bookshelf. It is the story of a young girl’s quest for a single religion during a time in her life where she is confronting so many coming of age issues. At one point during the book, Margaret becomes angry at God and stops talking to him after she is in the middle of a confrontation between her parents and her grandparents. However by the end of the story, we hear Margaret praying to God again as she thanks him for being there for her.

When I woke up this morning my first immediate thought was to wonder if God was there with me. I have to admit, it is not the first thought I usually have in the morning but it was powerful enough to send me to my laptop at seven in the morning so here I am; writing a blog entry that it not intended to answer a question or a dilemma. One that does not describe some great lesson that I have learned. But rather an entry that just asks and explores difficult questions.

I tend to shy away from a lot of religious or spiritual topics and writings on my blog or anywhere else, mostly because  my spirituality is such a personal topic for me. Over the years my faith has become stronger than it ever has; adversity tends to do that to a person. But I have come to realize recently that I am at a critical point in my faith journey. This became strikingly apparent to me during a conversation with my minister the other day. I explained to him that I am just ticked off at God lately. Well, I may have used other words at the time but I will try to be a little more mature when describing it here. I further went on to explain that I feel abandoned by God lately. When I go to church, I feel lifted up and supported by him (my minister) and the fellow members of my congregation, but I am having a really hard time locating God.

This realization on my part startled me for several reasons. First, the events going on in my life right now health wise are truly not the most difficult times I have experienced in recent years. They may be scary and frustrating but I have been through much worse at times; times where I was not surrounded by nearly the amount of love and support I have now. Second, during those times, I have never asked “why me?” or have thought that God has not been as close by as I would have liked. So it confuses me as to why I feel so inclined to question my faith at this point. Maybe it is as simple as I am just worn down. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe it is because that during this particular time of struggle is when I have to search for my faith and my connection with God using a little more effort.

One of the things that I really like about my minister is his ability to handle situations like this without judgment or condemnation and once again, he rose to the occasion. He listened and then he asked me if I had told God this; about being ticked off at him. Um, no. Who does that? But as we continued to talk, I realized well, why not? I pray, which is essentially talking to God. Prayer does not need to always be about thanking God or asking him to help someone else. Sometimes it can just be a conversation. If I was ticked off at someone else in my life whom I have a meaningful relationship with, I would tell them how upset I was with them. And God and I, well, we have a relationship. Maybe prayer does not need to be all that complicated.

Maybe it is as easy as asking “Are You There God? It’s Me Christine.”

Photo Courtesy of Chuck Myers

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