For Everything There is a Season

"In order to write about life, first you must live it." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Category: religion (Page 1 of 2)

Walking away from God

April 9, 2026 / / 5 Comments

When I was a little girl, all of eight years old, I remember the excitement of wearing my perfect white dress and veil. The year was 1979 and I was about to make my First Communion at St. Ann’s Church in West Springfield, Massachusetts. First Communions were a big thing back then: a longer than usual Catholic Mass where everyone showed up to see their daughter, son, godchild, niece, nephew, grandchild present themselves at the front of the altar to take the body and blood of Christ for the first time. Then everyone gathered at my home where my mom put on a big spread of food and of course, there was also cake and presents. First Communion was right up there with my birthday and Christmas that year.

As that innocent eight year old child, I believed in God because I was supposed to. It’s what my mom believed. It was what my Memere and Grammie believed. It was what my whole family believed. I believed, more like I knew, that God made all of us, He was in charge, and I better not fight with my brother because that was a sin and then I would have to tell Father Bevilaqua all about it in confession. My little eight year old brain had God simplified to those three things.

I stayed in the Catholic Church until I was eighteen and that included being confirmed at Sacred Heart Church. My understanding of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit matured but that connection fell away once I went to college. Or maybe a better way to say it is that I still believed in God, but I didn’t have the time or interest for church or prayer.

I’m sitting here trying to remember the next time, as an adult, I was regularly attending church or consciously having a relationship with God. The easiest way for me to do that is by going through a timeline of places I lived after college and as I go through that in my brain, the next time I come up with is when I got engaged to my ex-husband. We wanted to get married in the church so we had to do premarital counseling and the priest was very firm about his expectation that we would be at Mass every week and, we did.

After we were married, we stopped going to church. A few years later, I read a book by Joel Osteen (I have different opinions about Osteen now but that is a whole other story) that made God so relatable to me. That God was more than ritual and sacraments. He made it seem like I could have a relationship with God. That part blew my mind…you mean a one on one relationship with Him? That was the part that was missing for me. I eagerly started visiting different churches because I felt that church, for me, was a part of that relationship with God.

I started branching out to different denominations and found a home at a Congregational church in town. I had no other experience with church outside of the Catholic faith but church, and more importantly, God, finally made sense in a relatable way. A lot of this had to do with the pastor that was there for most of the time I attended this church. It also had to do with the community that existed and the work that we did for others. It was God in action.

After being a long time member of this church, I had a yearning to be in an environment that I felt (whether right or wrong) was more Bible oriented. I couldn’t let it go; not for lack of trying though. Then there were several pastoral changes at my church and it all went downhill for me from there. I think the last straw for me was a pastor giving her sermon and claiming that Mother Earth was God. Around that same time, I went through an acute health incident that I saw as a catalyst to find a new church home. My faith felt like it had never been stronger.

I did find a new church home, at what was called a non-denominational church. I had gone to several services there and on the surface, it seemed like a good fit for me. The Bible was the focus of services. I found what the pastor said relatable. I loved the music and while my connection to God was strong before I walked in there, it became even more so during this time. All were welcome, or so I was told. People were friendly and as I got to know many of them, similar to my previous church, they were some of the kindest people I had ever met. Good people doing very good things in the world.

Time revealed things to me that made it impossible for me to stay there. While I was assured that all were welcome, it depended on your definition of welcomed. I was already feeling uncomfortable about certain practices when I discovered that while the LGBTQIA+ community was welcome to attend church, they were not allowed to become members of the church and that therefore prohibited them from service positions.

Around the same time, a sermon was given that made it very clear that as Christians, no matter what else this person says, does, or believes, it is our Christian duty to vote in a Presidential candidate that supports Israel and is pro-life. Obviously…Trump.

I never went back.

I did go back to my previous church a handful of times but it wasn’t the same.  Church in general wasn’t the same for me either, so I stepped away completely.  

I’ve been away from church a few years now. During that time I have found myself giving serious thought to whether God even exists at all. I’ve come up with the usual questions people ask such as “Why would God allow bad things to happen” and “Why doesn’t God hear my prayers?” These are valid questions that I have asked myself time and time again.

It scares me  that most of the time I think I’m an atheist. How did I go from being a card carrying Christian to thinking God may not exist at all? Is it because I have spent so many years battling chronic illnesses and have never gotten a reprieve? Maybe it’s related to seeing how bad things are in the world right now? If God does exist, how much suffering is he going to allow in this world? Sure, we have free will but is “God’s plan”  designed to bring so much suffering, especially to those who claim him as their god?

It’s funny because I sponsor many children through a Christian organization and most of them mention God  and the Bible in their letters. They mention that they pray for me and my family. They ask God to protect and heal me. These little children, and some bigger children,  have their childlike faith, just like little 8 year old me did when she made her First Communion. I can say, with the utmost confidence, that if I find my way back to my faith, it will be because of one, or all, of them.

I don’t know what the future holds in regards to my faith and beliefs about God or any other deities. But I do know that regardless of how that turns out, I will continue to live my life as I’ve always tried to….with love, compassion, and gratitude. No God required.

 

 

God, Church, and People

April 14, 2016 / / 1 Comment

As I’ve posted about recently, I’ve been struggling in the God department lately, more specifically, about where God is in all the messes that take place in this world. On a broader scale, I am talking about ISIS, innocent people being blown up, and children going hungry and being abused. On a more personal scale, my thoughts immediately go to good people I care about going through one crisis after another, without getting a break. And of course, my own struggles with constantly having to deal with daily medical issues and never seeming to get a reprieve from all of that.

My spiritual life has been even more challenged lately as I have found myself, along with my husband, in a dilemma about my (our) church life, something that has been an integral part of not only our individual lives, but our marriage as well.

When I first started going to church regularly and consistently as an adult, sometime in 2005, it was church that brought me closer to God. And I became dependent on that. But over time and especially in the last several years, I have come to learn that my relationship with God is not, and should not be, church dependent. Don’t get me wrong, I am a BIG church advocate. I think churches can be a beacon of hope, strength, and love in a community. I could spend the next several hours discussing with you all the reasons why, if you believe in God, it would be helpful for you to be a part of a church community.

But here’s the other side of it. What happens when church is not going right for you? The reasons can be many, or few. What then becomes of your relationship with God?

The past couple of months have left me with more questions than answers about God, church, and people in general, but this week, I hear God speaking to me. Sometimes I just need to shut up long enough to hear him.

I have been hearing God speak to me through the voices of others and it is starting to shift my perspective about where God is in all of the messes in the world. For example, I see God working through a friend of mine as she makes solid preparations for the future of her and her children for after her husband leaves this world. I see her strength and determination in carrying forward, despite this monumental loss that she is facing.

I hear God in her husband’s voice, my friend; a friend who has been with me for almost thirty years. We have have had the best of days together, him and I, and also some tough ones, the toughest ones being most recently. But it was God who created this amazing person in my life; one who has brought me so much laughter and love. I feel God in the authenticity of my conversations with this friend…the conversations which now include how much time he may have left and how him and his wife are handling THAT conversation with their young daughters.

Most recently, I heard God in a different friend’s voice as well. Her perspective on where God is in all the messes in her own life was the opposite of where mine has been up until recently. She saw the sequence of difficult events in her life as God supporting her and preparing her for her challenges. I’m making it sound more simple than she probably meant it, but I think you know what I am trying to say. Her message wasn’t that God was being punishing or didn’t care, but rather he was putting into place what she needed to get through it all and continue forward.

While listening to her speak, I could truly see where she felt God was in all her messes. It lightened me. It also made me wonder why we, as Christians, are not having these conversations more…the conversations about God. Are we too busy? Or are we so busy just trying to survive it all?

And when I say talking about God, I don’t mean regurgitating scripture over and over again, tossing words around in attempts to get others to subscribe to our way of believing. Or using God as a weapon to bash whatever group of people we feel are violating some Biblical law that man has misconstrued for his own use.

No. I am talking about conversations where we share with each other, on an intimate level. Share our struggles and our strengths. Our weaknesses and our victories. How we see God working, or even not working, in our lives. What our challenges are in leading a good and faith-filled life. What roll does church play in our spiritual life? How important is it? What makes us spiritually fulfilled? To me, those are some of the most important questions.

What are the important questions for you?

Reclaiming My Voice

November 5, 2012 / / 6 Comments

 
“Music exalts each joy, allays each grief, expels diseases, softens every pain, subdues the rage of poison, and the plague.” ~ John Armstrong
 
 

Grief is a sneaky invader; creeping up on you when you least expect it sometimes. Maybe it makes its guest appearance after a random conversation or during those still hours when the house is quiet. Sometimes grief is over the loved one we have lost. Sometimes grief comes in the form of losing something that we were once capable of doing.

My invader made a visit last Thursday. I wasn’t prepared for it but then again, are we ever really prepared?

I understood the circumstances of why I was feeling particularly sad last Thursday. I had been spending some time last week with a friend of ours at doctor’s appointments. He had asked me to be, as a nurse and as a friend, a second set of ears in preparation for a major upcoming surgery he was having this week. A surgery he was going through without his wife, who suddenly passed away at such a young age; almost two years ago.

His wife, my friend.

Of course I have thought about my friend in these past two years, but it has been a long time since I have mourned her. I had gone through my grieving process and I had chosen to remember her with fond memories and joy. However last week made me stop and think about how very unfair life can be sometimes. It didn’t seem right that he couldn’t have her there with him by his side. What a loss this world experienced when she left us. The grief felt palpable once again.

Once I came home from the second day of doctor’s visits, the house was quiet when the grief hit me and I decided that maybe the best way to deal with it would be to go on my computer and browse through some photos and videos of my friend. Remember her with laughter. Like the photos she took of me eating soggy grilled asparagus. It looked like I was eating worms. Don’t ask! I eventually ended up scanning YouTube for videos as our church posts its services and choir performances videos on there.

Choir.
A tough place for me to be lately. Actually, I haven’t been there as much.

My friend was in the choir and she was the one responsible for getting me involved in our church choir. Singing for God has been one of my steadfast passions until recently. I say recently because not being able to sing for the past few months, due to struggles with my autoimmune illness, has been a loss for me. Sometimes the difficulty has been with my lungs, fatigue, the dryness of my vocal cords, or issues with reflux affecting my throat. The fact that this has happened to other Sjogren’s patients has just discouraged me all the more. A lot of the time, I truly cannot physically sing and sometimes it is just energy that I cannot afford to spend that particular day or week. Although I have to be honest, I do wonder if occasionally I am just so exhausted and discouraged, that it is just easier to sit it out. Don’t tell anyone though because most of the time, people don’t understand that part of having a chronic illness unless they have experienced it themselves.

As I was looking through these church videos, I came across a YouTube video of my fiance and I singing the song “Mary Did You Know?” at our church Christmas cantata last year. A cantata dedicated to my friend’s memory. A song that has become significant to me because I had to overcome respiratory issues to be able to pull off that performance. It was a good performance. And I was grief stricken again. Because when I heard my voice on that video, I felt like physically, I wasn’t in the same place as last year. Actually I know I am not. My illness has taken more from me physically this year, including at times, the quality of my voice. Is that selfish? Maybe. Because let’s face it, compared to my friend not being here, it’s not as significant. But it is still my loss.

Fast forward to Friday. I am sitting at a Women of Faith conference in Hartford, CT. An incredible event that you will probably hear more about at a later date. I am thoroughly enjoying listening to a Christian comedian. A man named Mark Lowry.

Mark Lowry.
Why does that name sound familiar?

I decide to stop torturing myself trying to place the name because this man is so funny, I don’t want to miss a word that he says. He’s that good.

What I didn’t realize, until he opens his mouth to do so, is that this man can also sing. What a voice on him! What a talent to be able to make people laugh and to be able to sing like that.

What I also didn’t realize? That this man write songs.

How do I know this? Because at the end of his performance, he sang a song that he wrote. A song that over thirty recording artists have performed since he wrote it.

The song?
“Mary Did You Know?”

Seriously? Come on.

Now you can say what you will about coincidence and such but here are the facts. I had tickets for this conference for months, but did not know that the man who wrote the lyrics to this song was going to be there. I had not watched the video of that Christmas cantata in at least eight or so months. I also did not know about my friend’s surgery until last week.

So I don’t believe this was all coincidence. I am typically not a person who makes radical proclamations and I certainly do not typically write about them publicly online; although maybe I will more often now.

I believe this was God speaking to me.
I believe this was my friend speaking to me.

I believe they were telling me that as long as I am not harming myself, to keep singing as best as I can, when I can, but to push a little harder.

I believe they were telling me to stop comparing myself to other people. To get back to my speech therapy exercises, to do some research online, to stop reading about what other Sjogren’s patients can and cannot do for a while.

And finally, I believe they were telling me to believe a little less in my illness and a little more in myself.


































































































Photo Courtesy of Google Images

Peace Be With You

October 7, 2012 / / 4 Comments

“Peace is not something you wish for, it is something you make, something you are, something you do, and something you give away. ” ~ Robert Fulghum

On the first Sunday of the month, which is Communion Sunday, we pass the peace in my church. This is a common practice in many Christian churches although the way it takes places can differ from church to church and denomination to denomination. When I was growing up in the Catholic church, this was a process in which we would turn to the people to the sides of us, behind us and in front of us and say “peace be with you” and shake their hand. If the person was family, maybe we would hug or kiss them as well.

In my current Protestant church, the passing of the peace is a more gregarious affair. Depending on how familiar we are with the person, we either shake their hand or hug them. There is a lot more hugging, or rather embracing, than hand shaking compared to most other churches; at least ones that I have attended. We either say “peace”, “peace be with you”, “hi, how are you”, or whatever else feels appropriate. People rarely stay in their pews and they wander all over the place. It is truly an exchange of peace and good will in a Christian community of people. It is one of my favorite times of the month at my church.

Today I was passing the peace to a family my fiance and I have been spending some time with lately outside of Sunday service. The family consists of a grandmother and her four grandchildren. As I let go of the oldest child’s hand after wishing him peace, he said to me, “Chris, what does peace mean?”

Leave it to a ten year old to throw me off balance.
Such a simple, yet profound question.

Of course, this entire passing of the peace at church takes all of about five to ten minutes so I didn’t have time, at that moment, to sit down and discuss it with him but I simply said that peace meant calmness. It was really all I could think of as a response at that moment. I am not sure if he understood exactly what my response meant in the midst of of the flurry of peace passing activity, but that is a conversation that we can have more in depth at another time.

It got me to thinking though. Don’t we all know what peace is or the meaning of the word peace? I mean seriously, isn’t it obvious? If you look in any commonly used dictionary, you will see several different definitions for the word peace. You know what I think though? I think that most of the time, peace means something different for each of us. I think the paths we take to get to that state of peace is also different for each of us.

To that ten year old child, peace may mean having the comfort and security of a grandmother who tucks him in at night and loves him unconditionally. Peace for him may mean knowing who the adults are in his life that he can count on. Maybe it means to him knowing that as he grows older, he has a church community that is a home to him no matter what obstacles life hurls at him.

For me, peace means many things and takes on several different forms. It is a state of mind, of spirit, and of soul. Peace is when my spirit is full or when my mind is calm. The best is when both happen at the same time. A difficult thing for me, or anyone for that matter, to achieve these days. Peace is also when my body, soul and spirit are at peace with whatever havoc may be going on physically with my body at any given moment. A very difficult task to accomplish indeed.

Many people say that peace is being in harmony with other people. To me, that is not always the case because I have come to find that I have no control over other people, how they think about me, and especially what they do. So my peace, or harmony, comes from realizing this and also in realizing that the only person I have any control over is myself. Therefore when I think and act in a way that is true to myself, I am at peace.

I am at peace when I am able to pull myself out of the stress and anxiety of the misfortunes that life may throw at me and am instead able to appreciate what are considered the small things in life such as the feeling of my dog’s breathing as she sleeps quietly with her head on my chest. Or maybe the serenity of being in my house on a fall afternoon when the sun streams through the large glass windows and the loudest sound I hear is the birds playing outside on the deck.

I find peace with myself when I am able to not be preoccupied with the “what ifs” and the” I can’t” thoughts that often invade my brain. When I am able to put the negative thoughts away and instead replace them with positive thoughts and the thought that the only limitations I have are those that I put upon myself.

Peace with myself is when I accept myself as I am right now, right at this moment.

Just as importantly, peace is something that we can give to someone else. It can be simple and cost us nothing. When we extend ourselves and our love to another human being in an act of giving or generosity, we give peace. It may be in the form of a meal or a phone call. A listening ear or our time. In some way, when we ease someone else’s burden, we give another person some peace of mind.

Giving peace to another person may come in the form of not judging them and accepting them for who they are in their moment. No questions. No criticisms. Just love. So that they may feel free to feel less stress and anxiety; to be at peace with where they are in their life journey.

So maybe my answer to my ten year old friend was accurate after all.

Peace IS calmness.

Of mind.
Of body.
Of soul.
Of spirit.

Where do you find YOUR peace?

Photo: Courtesy of Chuck Myers (http://myerscreativephotography.zenfolio.com/)

Are You There God? It’s Me, Christine

January 19, 2012 / / 9 Comments
“People see God every day, they just don’t recognize him.” ~ Pearl Bailey

Remember that book? Are You There God? It’s Me Margaret by Judy Blume was a pop culture sensation written in the 1970’s. As a child of the seventies and eighties, it was a must have for any teenager’s bookshelf. It is the story of a young girl’s quest for a single religion during a time in her life where she is confronting so many coming of age issues. At one point during the book, Margaret becomes angry at God and stops talking to him after she is in the middle of a confrontation between her parents and her grandparents. However by the end of the story, we hear Margaret praying to God again as she thanks him for being there for her.

When I woke up this morning my first immediate thought was to wonder if God was there with me. I have to admit, it is not the first thought I usually have in the morning but it was powerful enough to send me to my laptop at seven in the morning so here I am; writing a blog entry that it not intended to answer a question or a dilemma. One that does not describe some great lesson that I have learned. But rather an entry that just asks and explores difficult questions.

I tend to shy away from a lot of religious or spiritual topics and writings on my blog or anywhere else, mostly because  my spirituality is such a personal topic for me. Over the years my faith has become stronger than it ever has; adversity tends to do that to a person. But I have come to realize recently that I am at a critical point in my faith journey. This became strikingly apparent to me during a conversation with my minister the other day. I explained to him that I am just ticked off at God lately. Well, I may have used other words at the time but I will try to be a little more mature when describing it here. I further went on to explain that I feel abandoned by God lately. When I go to church, I feel lifted up and supported by him (my minister) and the fellow members of my congregation, but I am having a really hard time locating God.

This realization on my part startled me for several reasons. First, the events going on in my life right now health wise are truly not the most difficult times I have experienced in recent years. They may be scary and frustrating but I have been through much worse at times; times where I was not surrounded by nearly the amount of love and support I have now. Second, during those times, I have never asked “why me?” or have thought that God has not been as close by as I would have liked. So it confuses me as to why I feel so inclined to question my faith at this point. Maybe it is as simple as I am just worn down. Maybe I am feeling sorry for myself. Or maybe it is because that during this particular time of struggle is when I have to search for my faith and my connection with God using a little more effort.

One of the things that I really like about my minister is his ability to handle situations like this without judgment or condemnation and once again, he rose to the occasion. He listened and then he asked me if I had told God this; about being ticked off at him. Um, no. Who does that? But as we continued to talk, I realized well, why not? I pray, which is essentially talking to God. Prayer does not need to always be about thanking God or asking him to help someone else. Sometimes it can just be a conversation. If I was ticked off at someone else in my life whom I have a meaningful relationship with, I would tell them how upset I was with them. And God and I, well, we have a relationship. Maybe prayer does not need to be all that complicated.

Maybe it is as easy as asking “Are You There God? It’s Me Christine.”

Photo Courtesy of Chuck Myers

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