For Everything There is a Season

"In order to write about life, first you must live it." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Page 38 of 44

False Assumptions

July 13, 2011 / / 14 Comments
Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~ Plato

“Honey, you’re so lucky. You should be grateful you are so young! You don’t have to take all these medications and deal with being sick all the time like the rest of us.”

Oh come the hell on, are you serious? The statement was made to me recently in a doctor’s office by a woman, maybe in her seventies, who is probably quite sweet normally. At that moment though, I just wanted to lunge at her and shake her incessantly. Not one of my finer moments I tell you! It was just myself and two other women sitting in a mini waiting room after our hearing tests; waiting to either see the doctor or take home the person we were responsible for driving there. I had made the mistake of looking up from my very challenging game of video poker and I guess the woman thought that was a perfect time to snag me into her “woe is me” session with the other absolute stranger.

I know, I know, the poor woman probably didn’t mean anything by it. Yes, you could say because I felt down and out that maybe I was oversensitive to her comment. But I have to say, it struck a nerve because it was just another example of how easily we make assumptions about people based on how they look. My autoimmune disease is what many in the chronic illness world would consider an “invisible illness” most of the time. Anyone who has spent more than ten minutes with me knows that in the past few years, I have logged in more hours in doctor’s offices and been on more medications than many people are in their entire lifetime. It is a fact I am not proud of and I can be well, a little sensitive about.

I really could have ignored the comment because reality was, my health concerns were none of her business. However I also felt strongly that I needed to speak up and educate this woman who made such a thoughtless comment to a stranger, however innocent it may have been. So in my head I quickly calculated if it was worth it to educate her about how looks can be deceiving or to just let it go because in the end, I would probably benefit the most from taking the path of least resistance. I decided to compromise. I turned to her and in the most patient voice I could muster, told her that I wished because of my youth that I was healthy and medication-free. I said to her that in actuality, I am currently taking six prescription medications, not to mention several other non-prescription ones because I have a chronic illness that has been difficult to get under control. Her response was simple. She just said “oh, I see” and then turned away to continue comparing notes with the other stranger. I could tell that I caught her off guard though as she appeared slightly embarrassed and I decided finally to just leave well enough alone.

What is the significance of this one simple interaction? Well, like I mentioned, it is a classic example of making assumptions based on what our preconceived notions are of people’s god given physical appearances such as age, weight, skin color and the like. This woman assumed that because I am young, that I am healthy as well. Kind of funny if you think about it because I am young and yet was still sitting in a waiting room for people having hearing tests! In relationship to medical issues, I have found that in this society, looking well is a disadvantage. I have not only encountered it personally, but have met many people who have also faced this challenge. If you have a disease such as lupus, crohn’s disease, depression, or fibromyalgia, there is usually not an outward sign of the fact that you are ill and/or have a disability. Wheelchairs are a concrete sign. So is wearing a scarf because you are losing your hair from chemotherapy. Being so fatigued that picking up three items in a grocery store makes you want to cry is not an outward sign. Crippling pain is not always an outward sign. I am in no way implying that people with no outward signs of illness have it worse or better than those that do. It does mean however that those with these invisible illnesses oftentimes have more explaining to do and well, that does seem to be a bit unfair; as well as tiresome and frustrating.

Now I am guessing that some of you are sitting there and wondering why a person with no outward signs of illness feels like they have to explain themselves anyways. Plain and simple, people just don’t get it sometimes and they can be pretty vocal about that fact. Doctors who don’t know much about autoimmune illnesses oftentimes don’t get it.  The government who determines if I am eligible for social security disability took almost two years to get it. For the most part, I am blessed that many people in my life realize that even though I may look alright, chances may be good that I may not be. The reality is though that I do have to explain myself on a regular basis. I have to explain why after being able to go to the gym one day; I may not be able to meet for a walk with a friend the next day. I have to explain why I cannot presently work. I have to explain the fact that after doing spending several hours volunteering in some capacity, I am down and out for a full three days. I know I look well most of the time. I actually DO feel well a lot of the time but when I don’t, it’s significant. It’s part of having a chronic illness.
While I was writing this blog entry, I thought of the quote from Plato that is used at the beginning of this entry and I decided to include it. I love it, but it’s not entirely accurate in this situation though because the woman in the waiting room was not being unkind. She was making assumptions based on her own ideals and preconceived notions. I think a better rewrite of the quote, for this blog anyways, would be: “Be thoughtful and think before you speak, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” Lesson here is that you don’t always know exactly what battles other people are fighting, whether they be strangers or even friends/family members. I know I have made assumptions about people based on their appearance or behavior and have been dead wrong. So today I am going to try and remember to think before I speak. I encourage you to do the same….

Photo Courtesy of Chuck Myers

Acupuncture Part Two: The Benefits

July 7, 2011 / / 7 Comments
I am sitting in a comfortable reclining chair with my feet up, my eyes closed, and soft music playing in the background. It has been about ten or fifteen minutes I am guessing. I am not asleep but I am very aware of how relaxed my body has become. I am sleepy and calm. I feel no tension. The headache that has plagued me for days has disappeared. I am not in a spa or on a beach. I am at my acupuncture appointment.

Earlier this year, I wrote a blog entry entitled Acupuncture Part One: The Experience in which I discuss my first ever experience with acupuncture. It has been almost six months since that entry, which was written about two months after my very first experience with acupuncture. All this time later, I am still amazed at the various benefits I have reaped from this form of Chinese medicine. The way my acupuncturist Ben, from The People’s Acupuncture Clinic, explains it is that in Western medicine (what we know as conventional health care here in the United States) it is the patient’s symptoms that are treated. In Chinese medicine, it is the entire body that is treated. That makes sense to me. When I go to the doctor complaining of difficulty breathing due to asthma, I am given an inhaler to reduce inflammation and open up my lungs. When I go to the acupuncturist, I have needles inserted and/or am given herbs which although may be targeted for these particular symptoms, also restore balance to my qi. The end result is that after several sessions or sometimes after even just one session, my body goes back to a balanced state. Instead of treating just the symptoms, we are treating the cause (the body’s imbalance) therefore overall restoring health.

My original purpose for starting acupuncture treatments was to help deal with symptoms related to an autoimmune disorder. Although my symptom list at that time was more extensive than most people’s grocery list, my primary focus was on alleviating the joint pain, fatigue, and difficulty breathing related to my autoimmune disorder. I knew from what Ben told me and what I had read online that even though positive effects from acupuncture can occur as soon as after the first treatment, it would probably take a bit longer for me, as many as twelve to fourteen sessions. I really wanted more symptom control and was interested in avoiding as many steroids and other autoimmune drugs as possible so I was committed to the long haul. I didn’t get sick overnight and I knew it might take some patience to get myself well.

It did work too. I started off by doing sessions almost every other day for the first ten-fourteen days, then to twice a week, and eventually to a point where I go every two weeks unless there is an acute issue. As a somewhat skeptical Western medicine health care professional myself, I was quite surprised at the results. My joint pain which I had been managing with heavy duty autoimmune drugs was improved with taking Motrin and not all that frequently even. I did still have some difficult days but found that between the acupuncture and other non-medication pain management techniques, I could get through those tough days. I was sleeping better and having an easier time of handling the autoimmune related fatigue that could cripple me for most of the afternoon. After we added some prescribed Chinese herbs to my acupuncture sessions, I had much better control over my asthma symptoms. I went from being on oral steroids, a steroid inhaler, and a frequently used rescue inhaler to just a smaller dose of the steroid inhaler and a very occasional use of my rescue inhaler. I even started singing in my church choir, something I had always wanted to do!

There was also other autoimmune symptoms that improved, some autoimmune related, some not, and some where it was anybody’s best guess. Middle back pain that had plagued me on and off (mostly on!) for over a year finally went away. Some of my dryness symptoms related to the autoimmune disorder, called Sjogren’s Syndrome, got better. Other issues such as seasonal allergies, sinus inflammation/infections, and an injured knee improved or even disappeared. It has gotten to the point where if I have a medical issue, I typically will actually meet with my acupuncturist first before seeking medical attention from a western medical doctor because over and over again, I see positive results without unnecessary medications, tests, and such. My biggest success was managing to stay off the steroid prednisone for almost six months after I started acupuncture treatments. Prior to that, I was on it on at least ten separate occasions, lasting anywhere from days to months, within a time span of approximately two years. I think it is important to state that I am not implying here though if I thought I was having a heart attack that I would go to my acupuncturist before heading to an emergency room. I strongly believe that there is a place, in my life at least, for some Western medicine. However, I am making a concentrated effort to reserve Western medicine for emergency type situations only, as much as I possibly can.

I have also experienced many benefits from acupuncture that do not have to do only with physical symptoms. My loved ones as well as I have noticed a significant difference in my stress level and how I cope with everyday issues, as well as crises. Now, I have also had other positive lifestyle changes which could contribute to this and I have not done an actual research analysis on myself. However since I started my treatments last November, I am much slower to anger. Things that used to frustrate the living hell out of me are no longer such a big deal. Anxiety over tests and procedures has dropped dramatically and I am much more flexible in my interactions with other people. I know some of this, if not most of it, is related to the acupuncture sessions because I can physically feel my body relax about ten minutes or so into my treatment. I have gone to sessions immediately after attending a friend’s funeral or during other stressful times to find myself leaving the building in a better frame of mind and with clearer thinking. I don’t need research studies to prove that!

Finally, the last benefit I would like to mention is that which is gained from working with a Chinese medicine practitioner. Ben is the only one I have ever seen so I don’t have a basis for comparison. That being said, I do have a basis of comparison with western medicine practitioners. In all fairness, I have had a few really great doctors in my lifetime. I have worked with some fantastic doctors as well. However the last few years have been like a three ring circus for me in dealing with doctors. Oftentimes I am just a person taking up a ten minute slot in their exam room. I have been treated like a number with no regards to the emotional or mental impact that my illness has had on my wellbeing. Of the twenty-five or so doctors and specialists I have dealt with in the past two and a half years, not one has ever discussed the role of nutrition with me in regards to my autoimmune disorder. More often than not, I am looked at as a compilation of various anatomical systems and symptoms rather than as a whole person.
 
 
 
In my acupuncture clinic, I am treated holistically and with compassion. Despite the fact that it is a clinic and I may be one of seven or eight other people in the room, I never feel rushed or disrespected. I am taken seriously and just as important, I am heard. It is truly a collaboration between patient and practitioner. The success of my treatments depends on my ability to communicate what is going on with my body and Ben’s ability to translate that in order to provide the best treatment. For me, that is truly the ideal environment for optimal healing and optimal health.

Summer of Friendship…Summer of Love

July 1, 2011 / / 11 Comments

You know how you can smell a scent and it reminds you of a place, a time, or a person? Sometimes you may even smell it and not remember where you noticed it before, but you remember that the feelings you had when you last noticed it were good. I hugged my boyfriend one day recently and that happened to me. He was wearing a scent that brought back feelings of comfort and security for me. OK, and attraction too. But where had I noticed it before? So I asked him….

It is the scent that always brings me back to last summer. The summer that was originally shaping up to be one of my worst ones and instead, ended up being one of the best ones. I don’t know the name of the scent but I know he still has it and it always reminds me of him and of the summer that brought us together.

It was the last weekend in June last summer that it all kind of began, for me anyways. It was the weekend of the American Cancer Society’s Relay for Life and like many years previously, I was signed up to participate with a team from my church. Things had been crazy that week leading up to the relay with my health. Sure enough, the Friday of the relay, I was on my way to the emergency room just praying I would make it to Boston in one piece. I was having a difficult time with my breathing due to an autoimmune disorder. A fun six hours in a Boston emergency room resulted in a three day hospital stay. When I was discharged, things were still looking shaky. All of my immediate summer plans got cancelled and I was looking forward to at least a few weeks of extensive reading and some serious movie watching. Between that and a pretty intense round of steroids, I was not a happy camper.

At the risk of sounding melodramatic, my life changed after that weekend though. It was the first time I had been hospitalized while living by myself with my dog and I had to make adjustments. I needed more help for a short while. I had to count on some people I didn’t even realize I could count on, especially when it came to caring for my dog.

And then there was him, and the scent. We had one or two conversations before that weekend. I cannot lie; I had noticed him so many times before. Something about him drew me in, wanting to know him. But I was too busy being involved with the wrong man per usual and in the days following my hospitalization, that whole situation blew up and ended. When it did, I was done with men, dating, the whole nine yards. I was too sick to care and I had big plans for as soon as I felt better. I was going to start taking better care of myself, start seriously writing, and spend as much time as possible with my friends and family. Life was just too short to waste it investing my energy and time into people that were not worth it.

Best laid plans, right? All of a sudden he was there, right by my side. I had convinced myself that showering, dressing, and driving myself the two minutes to church the week after I got out of the hospital was a good idea. I barely got through the service and went to sit down to talk with a friend during lemonade hour. It was summer so it was lemonade instead of coffee! He came over to me, kneeled down, and asked me how I was. He offered to bring some of his video collection for me to church the next Sunday so I had more to keep me occupied at home. We really didn’t know each other much at all; yet he extended himself to me in the most caring and compassionate way. I more than noticed him then.

Problem though: I was done with men. And to be honest, I thought he was just trying to be nice. People at our church are like that: nice, kind, and compassionate. Of course he would be no different. Plus what would he see in me? Because really, I probably never looked more pathetic or sickly at church than that first month out of the hospital. We were friends on Facebook as well so he knew my health issues. He knew my age. He knew I had been dating. He knew I liked country music. Hell, he should have been running the other way!

He did bring those movies he promised me the following Sunday though and we talked a bit more. And the Sunday after that and the Sunday after that. So it grew. As the weeks went by, our conversations by the lemonade pitcher grew longer and longer; oftentimes we closed the place down. I loved talking with him. I loved just being near him. We joke about that now, you know, the whole pheronome theory of attraction. Apparently many people around us knew what was happening before I even did. I was in self- protection mode, but yet that didn’t stop me from listening for his voice every time a church usher would say good morning to my turned back. And he always smelled the same, that comforting cologne smell. The one that even now, reminds me of how I hate being away from him for too long.

As the weeks dragged by, I started to get better and he was still there. Now I had a problem though because his presence was becoming quite distracting to me at church. I remember a particular conversation with a friend from church where she mentioned something significant that was said during the service the day before. I had missed the whole thing. It was important and I felt terrible. It was his fault though. That day before, he had come and sat right next to me in church for the first time and having him so close, while smelling so good, drove me over the edge of distraction.

Labor Day weekend finally came around and after closing down the church one last time as just Sunday buddies, we somehow worked out a plan to go for a walk with my dog the next day. That, as they say, is all she wrote. Summer ended. I found my best friend. I fell in love. And even now, sitting here by myself in a cafe, I still can smell in my mind his lingering scent.

Bloodless Family

June 27, 2011 / / 5 Comments

“It is not flesh and blood but the heart which makes us fathers and sons.” ~ Johann Schiller

“What greater thing is there for human souls than to feel that they are joined for life – to be with each other in silent unspeakable memories.” ~ George Eliot

Family: a group of people united by certain convictions or a common affiliation: fellowship
This is definition number three out of eight listed by Merriam-Webster dictionary when you look up the word family. It does not say anything about blood ties or living under the same roof. To me, it is a simple and yet powerful definition of the word family; one that has resonated with me not only through this past weekend, but gradually over the past several years or so.
That which constitutes a family unit has drastically changed since I was growing up. Luckily for society, a family no longer has to be comprised of a husband, wife, and 2.2 biological kids; accompanied by Fido or Kitty. Rather, we have additional constellations of all sorts: two women, two women with children, two men, two men with children, widows with children, women with pets, men with pets, and on and on. We have step-parents, step-children, boyfriends with children, girlfriends with children, as well as multiple generations; some even being crazy enough to all live under the same roof!
I love though that Merriam-Webster has put into words another definition of family that is not stereotypical and that is: people united by a certain conviction or common affiliation. I have that. See, because in addition to a loving biological family as well as a loving “inherited” one, I also get to have a church family. I have been a member of the Belchertown United Church of Christ in Massachusetts for several years now, a place by all definition of the word is like home to me. Sure, we are not bound by the ties of blood but we are bound by those things which I think is just as powerful and that is our God, our hearts, and our fellowship.
That was strikingly apparent to me this past weekend. I made a joke to a friend of mine from church when I saw her last evening about how I see her more lately than my own family; meaning of course my biological family. It had been a weekend filled with activity for three days with various members of my church family. We spent time together at the annual Relay for Life, Sunday morning church service, and choir rehearsal. However for me, the highlight was that some of us were blessed enough to witness two of our own get married. That is what really got me thinking about this whole church family thing on an entirely different level.
Meghan and Scott have been members in our church for a while now and since we have become friends gradually during that time, I knew their wedding day would be special. However, I was not quite prepared for the emotion I felt as Meghan stood at the head of the church aisle with those two large church doors opened. We have watched them grow in their relationship with each other and with us during part of their courtship and engagement, so one could not help but have those feelings of pride and love as they took that gigantic step towards starting a new life together. There is something to be said for watching those from your own family take on something as powerful and significant as the leap of faith that is required to enter into a marriage.
That’s how it is there. As a church family, we get to be part of those silent unspeakable moments that George Eliot so eloquently describes above. Sometimes those moments are not always as joyful as the wedding was. In addition to this celebration, we have also had several funerals recently within the past six months. We have had some of our family members fall ill or ones who have sent their relatives to war in the Middle East. We have worked together to assist tornado victims in surrounding communities. Both joyful and sad, these unspeakable moments connect us with God and with each other.

Like all families, this one is not perfect. We disagree when we don’t see eye to eye with one another. That is what happens when you get one hundred plus people in the same family! Like all families, feelings can get hurt because people are just that, people. They have stress and personal issues.  We each have different experiences with one another and the nature of our individual bond with each person in the family is different. When you think about it, that doesn’t make it different than any other family. I am definitely closer to some members of my biological family compared to others. In my church family, we have probably one of the most diverse groups of people I have ever seen in a church and each of those people is unique with their own special talents, abilities, emotional baggage and imperfections. That has been one of the greatest learning experiences for me with this family: learning to be connected and stay connected despite people’s flaws as well as learning to resolve differences and occasionally conflict.

As I get older and maybe just perhaps a little more mature, I have learned that at the end of the day, it is not about the size of your home, how much overtime money you earned that year, or where you vacationed to that summer. Life is about people and relationships. It’s about connecting with others and forming loving relationships that sustain and nourish you. It’s about cultivating family, regardless of what your definition for that may be. I know for me personally, that no matter where my life’s journey takes me, I will always have a family at the Belchertown United Church of Christ that I am connected with both in my heart and through God. And once again, for that, I am quite grateful.

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Photos: Courtesy of Chuck Myers

Warning: Toxic!

June 21, 2011 / / 11 Comments
“Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something: they’re trying to find someone who’s going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take.” ~ Anthony Robbins

Debbie Downer…Judgmental Jims…Disrespectful Dannys…Neverenough Nellies…Insincere Illissas…Dream Killing Keiths…Narcissistic Nancy…Manipulative Mary. These are the buzz words you find online now to describe what is otherwise known as toxic personalities. I am not going to go into a lengthy description of each because well, my readers are very capable of doing that on their own and besides, most of them are self-explanatory. For example, a description of person who is considered a “Narcissistic Nancy” is someone who feels that the world revolves around them. They cannot see outside themselves and make that fact pretty darn well known. The end result is that they leave you feeling pretty drained and wanting to run away screaming…as fast as you can!

Let’s face it. We all know someone who has a toxic personality so to speak. Most of us are even involved in some type of relationship with someone like that. It is a topic that I have been wanting to write about for some time but I am always hesitant. Why? Because first, I seem to struggle a lot lately with what kind of topics to blog on. I have so much that I want to write about, especially about relationships, but I walk a fine line between writing how/what I want and respecting people’s privacy. Also, I am not big on the idea of someone sitting there wondering if something I am discussing is about them because most likely it is not. However in order to be the type of writer I want to be, I have to write with honesty, emotion, and integrity.

Second, my hesitancy has been over the phrase “toxic people” because it tends to put people into little boxes or compartments and that is not how relationships work. They are messy and complicated. They are grey, rather than black and white.  I have found over the past several years that the more I put myself out there in the world, the more complicated developing and maintaining relationships becomes. People are so complex; in good ways and in bad. I am not talking only about relationships and toxic people (I will keep using that phrase just for an easy reference) in the romantic sense; but in the context of all our relationships whether they are with family members, co-workers, or friends.

During the time I separated and subsequently divorced from my ex-husband I pretty much figured well, that is that. All the emotional drama is going to go away. What I came to realize though is that I have a habit of developing toxic relationships of all forms. I think this is true for many of us. By saying this I don’t want to imply that I am somehow a blameless innocent victim because really, when a person is involved with another person that is considered toxic, we feed into it. We allow people with toxic personalities to have control over us when all we want to do is to tell them to stop draining the life out of us!
In my opinion, those with toxic personalities aren’t necessarily “bad” people. I think at one time or another, many of us have displayed the traits of a toxic personality like I mentioned above. Truth be told, I know I have. There have been times in my life that I have probably unintentionally drained the living hell out of certain people I am close to in my life. Maybe you can call it being needy; maybe you can call it being toxic. Maybe those people would say otherwise, who knows. I do know for a fact that looking back, I know a time when I might have been considered toxic to a very close friend of mine. She and I have been friends for about 10-11 years now and there were YEARS that she gave and gave to me, expecting nothing in return. I tried to be as good a friend to her as she was to me during those years but reality was, I couldn’t at the time. I don’t think it made me a bad person, just not a very good friend. She stuck with me though and I hope that now, I can do our friendship the justice that it so richly deserves.

Toxic relationships do not necessarily have to be overt such as with physical or verbal abuse. There is no clearly defined definition for a toxic person or relationship so I would like to offer up my own definition of a toxic person in one’s life. It is someone who drains you on a consistent basis; the key word here being consistent. We all go through difficult times when we need support and friends on a daily, if not hourly basis. Some people who are toxic though always take and rarely give. Others are possessive and behave in a passive-aggressive manner when you choose to spend time with someone else. Another example might be a friend saying something to embarrass you in front of a group of people, disguising it as a joke. Or someone who is constantly criticizing you or your choices. Yes, we are all responsible for how we let other people affect us with their words or behavior but to me, a toxic person is someone who on a regular basis just makes us feel bad. It’s that simple. I am not even sure that it matters whether you are an oversensitive person (like myself) or someone who tends to overanalyze things and not lightheartedly take a joke. If being around someone consistently makes you feel bad about yourself, them, or the world in general, you’ve got a problem on your hands.
So OK, what do you do about it then? Well, there are all kinds of philosophies about how to handle toxic people and relationships. Some people say just get the heck out of the relationship which sometimes may be necessary and sometimes not always possible. I am definitely not a shrink, but I say the best way to approach these types of relationships is to take control and own it. Inundate them with positivity when they are negative. Give the relationship some distance for a while. Talk to them; maybe they are not fully aware of their behavior and how it affects others. Confront the behavior directly in a calm and rational manner. Don’t feed into it especially when the behavior revolves around constant gossiping or complaining; negativity breeds negativity. Be the person to break the cycle. Be proactive in who you spend your time with to avoid getting yourself into a toxic relationship to begin with.

I can honestly say that the amount of toxicity in my life is the least it has been in a very very long time. This is not by chance. It requires a lot of work and thought. It has resulted in a lot of tears as well. I have had to reevaluate a lot of my interactions with those around me and just as importantly, my own behavior in order to develop and sustain all types of relationships that are nourishing, whole, and healthy. Because in the end, that is what we all deserve.
                                                                           Photo Courtesy Google Images
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