For Everything There is a Season

"In order to write about life, first you must live it." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Page 42 of 45

Gossip

November 22, 2010 / / 0 Comments

Without wood a fire goes out; without gossip a quarrel dies down. ~ Proverbs 26:20

Life seems to be passing by so quickly lately. I suddenly realized last week that Thanksgiving was right around the corner, making Christmas less than six weeks away. I love this time of year, now that I have learned to not get caught up too much in the “tasky” part of it. I have more of an appreciation of what the holiday season is supposed to be about. This is not an easy task considering how bombarded we get by the media, the retail industry, our family/friends and ourselves with messages about how the holiday season has to be as perfect and as happy as rainbows and puppy dogs. Don’t get me wrong, I love to shop for presents, bake holiday treats, and put up the Christmas tree just as much (and maybe even more) than the average Joe, but for the past few years, I have tried to find a focus for myself during the holidays to make sure that I get through the holiday season with some purpose and appreciation.

This year’s focus has been on my mind for months now. A lot of times we hear about people doing good deeds for those less fortunate than ourselves such as feeding the hungry and buying toys for those children who may otherwise go without. This is to me, part of the essence of the holiday spirit. But this year, I am thinking about a different kind of giving; the giving of compassion. Compassion for those whom we otherwise gossip about amongst ourselves. Those people who we say have brought on their own misery. Maybe it is someone who you heard was unkind to a friend of yours. Maybe it was someone who just has a personality that rubs many people the wrong way. Maybe it is someone who always has a lot of drama in their lives.

I am not saying that by practicing more human compassion and kindness for people in our social circles that may fall into a category like described above, we should allow them to take advantage of us or add toxicity to our lives. But the reality is, as human beings, we oftentimes target people with our gossip and sometimes even nastiness when the transgressions they have supposedly done either have had nothing to do with us personally or are on a scale of such insignificance, that we should be embarrassed to admit that it has even been more than a five minute thought in our brain. Because really, does it matter what Ms. X said to Ms. Y about Ms. Z on October 5th? And do we really need to know why Ms. A is no longer friends on Facebook with Ms. B? I think not. The thing about negative gossip is that it takes on a life of its own. It permeates our social circles like a cancer and is usually more destructive than constructive.

I bring this up because to be honest (although not proud to admit), gossip is a pretty lousy character trait that I have been known to fall victim to as an adult. I can be gossipy and judgmental as much as the next person; although I like to think that I have made great strides in this department lately. It is an easy trap to fall into but what I have found is that gossip and anything associated with it can be easy to extinguish. Sometimes it is just a matter of not associating with people who may thrive on it or calling it out on the table when it does happen.

I understand that it is human nature to talk about what is going on with people that we have come to know in our social circles and community whether it be school, work, church, etc. There is a difference however between discussing the excitement of someone’s promotion at work and debating how they got it in the first placed based on their lack of experience. What gives us the right to make such harsh judgements about our fellow man? Who made us judge and jury of circumstances that most likely, we know very little about?

So during this 2010 holiday season, I hope that we can all stop before we speak ill about someone, no matter what the circumstances may be. I also hope that we can stop to think if the words that come out of our mouths build up someone’s reputation rather than tear it down. We are now entering a season of giving thanks and for many of us, commemorating Jesus’s birth. Rather than beginning the season with rumor and negativity, let us enter it with love and compassion…for everyone.

The Shore

November 2, 2010 / / 0 Comments

“I could never stay long enough on the shore, the tang of the untainted, fresh and free sea air was like a cool, quieting thought.” ~ Helen Keller

I love the ocean. More specifically, I love the New England coast. When I was a child, the beach was a place we vacationed as a family once or twice a year. Memories of riding the waves with my dad, walking the beach with my mom looking for seashells, and playing skeeball with my brother on the boardwalk are as fresh in my head as when I was 10 years old. Even as a child, I remembered the thrill of smelling the salty ocean air from the backseat of our 1970’s style Chevrolet Caprice Classic as we descended towards our cottage or rental apartment. I equated the beach and the ocean with fun, love, and good memories.

As I grew up into an adult (for the most part!), I got too busy and too complacent to take the two hour or so hour trek (each way) to the shore on a regular basis. In my 20’s I would go with friends for the day from time to time and then when I got married, an occasional beach vacation would involve a trip to somewhere in the Caribbean. This is a great place to enjoy swimming in the ocean or snorkeling, but oftentimes, I need more than that from a beach trip. I need my New England coast…the crash of the waves on the rocks, the lighthouses, the sound of seagulls, the sand dunes, and even the seaweed. All the things that make it feel like home for me.

In recent years, I have come to have an even greater appreciation for the shore. I have found it to be a place of refuge, especially on the off season. I am not sure much of anything is more relaxing than walking a sandy beach without the crowds, the noise, or the blaring hot sun. I used to always go to the same beaches that I went to as a child such as Hampton Beach or Misquamicut Beach. Although I still enjoy both places, I have come to realize that I love so much more than the water and the sand. When my adventuresome side has taken over, I have found myself at places like Chatham, Gloucester, and Watch Hill. There I have also discovered my love for the scenery of boats, harbors, and lighthouses. I am partially attributing this to the generations of fisherman in my dad’s family!

So what is it about the shore that brings many of us such contentment and calmness? To start with, for me, it is all the senses being affected. I smell the ocean air. I hear the waves crashing. I see the beauty of the coastline. I taste the salt on my lips. I feel the softness of the sand on my bare feet. Every experience at the beach leaves me with a mental picture, one that I mentally recollect when I need it most. I have been known to pull up these shore images in my head during times when I have been in the hospital or have undergone a medical procedure. It helps me remove myself from whatever current unpleasant situation I may be in.

Being by the ocean (especially with a book to read or a notebook to write in) brings me a sense of serenity. Of course, this usually happens more often when it is off season or when there are not many people around. A transformation take place that I sometimes find hard to put into words. I don’t know if it’s all those senses being sparked or that the rest of everyday life seems so distant. I start to lose track of time. Two hours can seem like ten minutes. My mind stops swirling with all the things I am supposed to do. Pain and fatigue lessen. I can feel the mystery and history that comes with being on the New England coast and it takes me back in time. You can see it in the weathered look of the lighthouses. You can hear it in the whispering winds of the sea breeze. You can feel it as the waves crash at your ankles. All of this quenches my soul and ultimately renews my spirit. So after every trip, I store these feelings and images up as tight as possible….until I can make my next voyage to the shore.

Spontaneity

October 17, 2010 / / 1 Comment

“Spontaneity is the quality of being able to do something just because you feel like it at the moment, of trusting your instincts, of taking yourself by surprise and snatching from the clutches of your well-organized routine a bit of unscheduled pleasure.” ~ Richard Iannelli

Everything in my life used to be very well planned. I always made plans for days, weeks, and even months in advance. I guess you can say that it went with my type A personality; which I have been working VERY hard at changing! Not that there is anything wrong with planning ahead; many times you have to. But what happens to us when every day becomes a series of planned events without any room for the unplanned and the unexpected? Don’t we lose some of the magic in our lives when everything in it is so planned and organized?

My brother and I are totally opposite in so many ways, not in matters that really count such as our character. Rather, the way we live our lives tends to be dramatically different at times. One of the main ways we are different is the fact that I am a planner and he is not. As I have gotten older, I have actually become somewhat envious of this fact. Part of me had always wanted to be more spontaneous. I was sick and tired of always thinking ahead. He wouldn’t think twice about jumping in his car and heading somewhere on a whim. I always needed to have an itinerary, a plan. Because with a plan, I felt safe. I was prepared for anything.

What I have come to realize though is that preparation does not always make you safe. There are no guarantees. You can have the best laid plans and in the end, your whole life can blow up anyways. You can take care of your health your entire life and end up with a life threatening illness. You can save for your retirement or child’s college fund and have it all taken away by a volatile stock market. So if the unexpected can happen anyways, why we are planning every detail of our lives so much? It doesn’t mean that we shouldn’t plan for some of the really important things. I just don’t think we need to plan every detail of our lives from sunrise to sundown. We need to give ourselves more unexpected moments.

I recently started dating someone who is very spontaneous. He tends to plan appropriately for important events, but does not usually think days or months ahead like I do. He lives more in the moment. At first, I thought this would be very difficult for me. I had begun to be more spontaneous before we started dating by trying to take some lessons from my brother; but I did have my limits, or so I thought. What I have found through spending time with him though, is that many of the best moments are the ones we didn’t plan for such as a last minute pizza run for dinner or a walk after work. As a result of this, I am finding myself being more spontaneous even when I am not with him. Yes, I still make plans in advance with friends who live far away, I schedule doctor appointments, and I plan for church events; but in between these planned events, I am doing spontaneous things on a daily basis. It has not only been freeing to me, but has helped me be able to live my days in a more fulfilling way.

There is so much to be learned from unexpected moments, the ones we didn’t plan for. In a way, they are God’s little (or big) gifts to us. Those moments where we are not thinking months or even minutes into the future can be the very thing that puts a spark into our lives. Sometimes it means not deciding how to spend your Saturday until you wake up that morning and ending up having the most glorious day ever. Sometimes it means turning left instead of right and discovering new and beautiful scenery. And sometimes it’s saying what’s on your mind without censoring it and truly connecting with another human being. In the end, spontaneity affords us the opportunity to learn more, explore deeper, and connect more fully with our world and those in it. And what a blessing that can be…

Perseverance

September 30, 2010 / / 0 Comments

“Perseverance is a positive, active characteristic. It is not idly, passively waiting and hoping for some good thing to happen. It gives us hope by helping us realize that the righteous suffer no failure except in giving up and no longer trying. We must never give up, regardless of temptations, frustrations, disappointments, or discouragements.” ~ Joseph P. Wirthlin

I had no intention of doing another blog entry this week; especially because I have other writing that I wanted to do. However it’s been one of those days where I need to write what’s first and foremost in my head and right now, that is the subject of perseverance.

I have had some significant medication changes lately for my autoimmune disorder. We can call it Sjogren’s Disease but the reality is, I don’t think anyone is particularly convinced that this disease is the sole diagnosis, even my doctor. That is the problem with autoimmune disorders; there are about eighty of them and accurate diagnosis for many of them is a joke at best. Many of us struggle for years, if not a whole lifetime switching from one diagnosis to another; oftentimes running around with several diagnoses at once. I am pretty sure that our rheumatologists get just as frustrated sometimes as we do with the merry-go-round of uncertainty and frustration, but the reality is that as patients, we live with it every single day of our lives-the uncertainty and the frustration.

Today was a particularly frustrating day because we had to come up with a new plan for my medications. The autoimmune stuff and meds have been a three ring circus (more so than usual) since the end of June. I think that typically, I handle this whole health issue thing pretty well and with a decent amount of dignity, but today was one of those days that I was just pretty damn sick of it. Sick of dealing with being poked, prodded, and asked the same questions over and over. Sick of explaining to people why I am not back at work. Sick of worrying and wondering which toxic medication will do me in first. I know it sounds like one giant bitch fest but it really wasn’t. I was just wishing for a day where my health issues did not play into my life at all.

Then as I was driving home, I was thinking about how my health was right before I started seeing this particular rheumatologist in December of 2008. At that point, I was so freaking sick and no one could figure out what was wrong with me. I really thought I was going to die. I was scared because I was getting sicker. I had terrible difficulty breathing, had lost some feeling in my feet from nerve involvement, and pain so bad that at points, if someone had offered me a gun, I probably would have taken it. Three rheumatologists told me I did not have an autoimmune related disorder and two primary care doctors threw their hands up in dismay. I saw more specialists than I could count. There were times I could not even take care of myself. On more than one occasion, I was told maybe it was in my head. I was even told that all I needed was a vacation. A vacation… really? How would you suggest I get myself there since I can’t stay out of the hospital??

Yes, today I know I am still not in an optimal place physically but the reality is: I am in a MUCH better place than I was in December 2008. The reason: I persevered. I researched, asked a lot of questions, did not take “I don’t know” for an answer. In desperation, I found a pain specialist who tried me on steroids for five days and we saw a miraculous transformation occur, most likely indicating an autoimmune disorder. Yet three other rheumatologists could not be bothered to try this before he did. So I found a rheumatologist (who was my fourth and current one) who knew what the hell he was doing and took me seriously.

According to Merriam-Webster, to persevere is defined as: to persist in or remain constant to a purpose, idea, or task in the face of obstacles or discouragement. I have a purpose: I’m going to kick this thing’s ass. Seriously. I was having a conversation with a friend several months ago about my health. My friend had the best of intentions, but she implied that I may have to accept that this is as good as it’s going to get. I had to disagree. Have I accepted that I have a chronic illness that will affect me the rest of my life? Yes…got that one loud and clear; although the acceptance thing did take some time. Have I accepted that I will probably never work in a hospital as a pediatric nurse in the capacity I worked before? Yeap, got that one loud and clear also. What I am not going to accept is that the way my body is functioning now is as good as it gets. Because once you do that, you’ve given up. You can have realistic expectations of yourself and adjust some of your life accordingly, but you never give up hope, never stop researching, never stop challenging your doctors, and never stop pushing yourself further than you thought you could go.

So as I was getting ready for bed tonight, I thought about how the past few months have just been obstacles in this journey towards better health. I realized that in the scheme of this fight, this doctor’s appointment today was not a big deal. I have persevered through much worse. I’m going to continue to fight the fight and not give up hope that at some point, this whole autoimmune thing will be under control on a regular basis. I will persist, hope and persevere. I will not accept any less.

Living Fully

September 9, 2010 / / 3 Comments

“The value of life lies not in the length of days, but in the use we make of them; a man may live long yet live very little.” ~ Montaigne

I attended a wake last night; my first one in quite a while actually. It was for the grandmother of a dear friend of mine who I met in freshman college English class at UMASS. Nana was 93 years old when she died and had lived a full and vital life according to my friend Lauren. I had only met Nana a few times in my life, the most recent being so long ago I could not remember when it took place. However Lauren and I go back twenty-one years and I know her Nana meant a lot to her, so I make the trip to Boston’s North Shore to pay my respects to my longtime friend and her family.

It was one of those wakes where although people were understandably sad about their loss, there was also a lot of laughter and great memories. There were many significant and candid photos surrounding the funeral parlor room and it was obvious from the words exchanged and the sounds of laughter, that Nana and her family are very loved. I don’t know if it was because she had lived such a full life and/or because the disposition of the family and friends that were present; but it seemed that she was being celebrated as much as she was being mourned.

Because of the length of the drive from my home to the wake and the wonderful joy of rush hour traffic around Boston, I had a lot of time in the car to think about what it would be like to live to such a grand age of 93 years old. Nana sure packed a lot of living into those 93 years. It also made me think: how many of us pack as much living into each day as we can? Do we truly live each day to the fullest or do we let ourselves get stuck in a rut of the mundane? Of course with the demands of work, children, aging parents, and overall life stress/chaos, we cannot always have happy-go-lucky days. That does not mean that we cannot have full days though. Do we really try to get the most out of each day that is presented to us whether it be spending the day cleaning our house so we feel better about our surroundings or even spending a day at the park with our children, making lasting memories? Do we throw ourselves into our jobs with passion and vigor? Do we share ourselves every day with the ones that we love?

I also got to think about my own life situation and how I try to live each day as fully as I can. I have been blessed in the past two weeks to have my health significantly improve because of some recent medication changes. Although I have been often labeled an idealist, I am also very much a realist. Because these medication changes are still happening and my health is so unpredictable, I know I won’t feel like this permanently, without further episodes. What I do know is this: I have used the past two weeks as an opportunity to live as fully as I can because I know when those really bad days come back, I will be much more limited in what I can do. So I have pushed myself hard to get out and do more of the things I love to do; get things done around my apartment that have been neglected for months; have as much fun as possible; catch up on projects; and get more exercise and time outside. Now when those bad days do come back, it doesn’t mean I can’t live those days as fully as I can. However it does mean that I will be living them fully in a different type of way. So my hope for everyone who reads this is that you try to live each day as fully as you can so that like Nana, you too can be remembered with fond memories and laughter.
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