For Everything There is a Season

"In order to write about life, first you must live it." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Page 41 of 45

The Hallmark Holiday

February 14, 2011 / / 0 Comments

“I don’t understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine’s Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.” ~Author Unknown

OK, Valentine’s Day is just a terrible holiday. I am not sure exactly when I began to feel so strongly about this fact but I do. My personal feelings mostly revolve around the fact that it is a commercial holiday aimed at draining our wallets and making us question our worthiness depending on whether we have an actual “valentine” or not.

My views on this even surprise me as I tend to be a glass half-full/embrace happiness as much as possible type of person. I’m a romantic. I’m emotional. But to me, the problem with Valentine’s Day is that it sends a message that love has to be romantic. How many commercials on TV do you see with a woman celebrating a loving friendship with a female friend? Or a son expressing his love for his mother? I know, I know, you can find cards for this type of thing in the Hallmark section such as “To My Parents on Valentine’s Day” but the reality is, that isn’t what the intended purpose of Valentine’s Day is in our society today. Maybe part of my issue with the day is that it is telling me this is the day I should be expressing my love for my partner when in actuality, I try (and most of the time succeed!) in doing that every single day.

So on February 14th, you fall into one of two traps: the single person who is left figuring out if they should spend the holiday in a bottle of scotch or a pint of ice cream. Or you could be the person in a relationship trying to make sure that you don’t screw up. All of a sudden, the decision between roses, candy, and jewelry becomes overwhelming on this one day of the year. More often than not, it becomes a challenge to live up to the expectations.

This initially presented quite a dilemma to me this year because I am in love, real love. Like the kind that makes every day a joyous experience and more often than not, makes me wonder how I got through the last 39 years without him. All of a sudden, this year, it became ever MORE important to bypass Valentine’s Day because as dorky as this sounds, it felt like it would take something away from every other day of the year, which are just as much like Valentine’s Day should be as February 14th pretends to be.

He makes me chicken soup when I am sick. He sends e-mails from work in the middle of the day. He surprises me with mystery dates. He holds my hand at funerals. He listens to me rant and rave (even about Valentine’s Day!). He encourages my dreams. He knows when to hold me. He knows when to give me space. Even though he wanted to and knew I would go along with it, he volunteered to not celebrate Valentine’s Day; knowing how strongly I feel about it. I know that many people can celebrate Valentine’s Day and still show their love for each other at other times during the year but for me, not making a big deal out of February 14th means that February 15th (and even September 15th) will be something to look just as forward to….

Acupuncture Part One:The Experience

January 26, 2011 / / 5 Comments

I have had several people ask me about my new found love with Chinese medicine and I have had such incredibly positive experiences with it that I have decided to do a several part series on my different experiences with Chinese medicine. It is not intended to be a thorough explanation of Chinese medicine but rather just my own personal experiences and thoughts about it. I hope it is helpful!

I am not sure when I first started considering acupuncture as a potential treatment modality for a “yet to be named although we think it is Sjogren’s Disease” autoimmune disorder. What I do know is that despite having many more good days than I had originally when this whole nightmare started, I still had ongoing issues that prevented me from holding down a job, never mind trying to carry on with my life in a way that many people take for granted. I was sick of taking a cabinet full of medications and dealing with the oftentimes crippling side effects of them, all in the interest of getting me “well”.

I started doing some research on acupuncture to try and find out more about it. I was afraid of the unknown. I am a nurse by profession and still held some traditional views about health, healing and medicine, despite the fact that Western medicine was not living up to what I needed it to do for this chronic autoimmune disorder. I will be honest-I was not too big on getting multiple needles stuck into me. I started talking about thinking of going for acupuncture on Facebook and a friend of mine suggested a clinic nearby that had a sliding fee scale. She had some success with it and encouraged me to check it out. Since I was out of work, I was very concerned about the cost of treatments and I figured maybe the sliding fee scale might help with that. I made an appointment with The People’s Acupuncture Clinic in Amherst, MA for a consultation and so it began.

I have been caught up in the medical system as a patient on a full-time basis for three full years now with this particular illness (I have also had adventures with heart surgery, cancer, and a few other less serious diagnoses previously) so I figured I had nothing to lose by checking it out and doing one treatment. I was pleasantly surprised by the whole experience. The acupuncturist I saw (Ben) reviewed a pretty extensive health history with me. I had to laugh though at the part where I had to list my top three complaints/symptoms. I mean really, just three??? I could rattle off ten right off the top of my head but in the end, I decided on the three that were keeping me out of work: joint pain, breathing difficulties, and fatigue.

So here I was getting ready for some guy I didn’t know (but who seemed very knowledgeable as well as nice) to start playing voodoo with me. Then I started to think, what if he puts one somewhere he shouldn’t? What if he hits a nerve or something? OK, in all reality they don’t go deep enough to do that but I didn’t realize that at the time.

OK, to start with, the needles didn’t hurt. I’ll admit that since my first treatment, I have had a few instances when because of some sensitivity, a needle has hurt; but it all depends on your definition of “hurt”. To me, feeling like someone is using a sledgehammer on my wrist joints “hurts”. Someone sticking a scope into my lungs “hurts”. A needle feeling sharp for like a nanosecond, doesn’t really qualify as pain to me. Sometimes it passes instantly and if it doesn’t he takes it out. It is quite different than a traditional needle though. They are thin and very flexible. Those few instances they have been uncomfortable are not actually from the needle itself, but related to the area itself where it is being put in. Sometimes it is sensitive because it’s that time of the month (I am more sensitive then) or because the point he is treating is particularly painful that day. My feeling about this is though that I have a history (until maybe a year or two ago) of being so needle phobic that if I can handle having 8-15 needles (depending on the treatment) put in, anyone can!

The acupuncture experience itself is surreal in a way. Everyone reacts differently but it is truly one of the most relaxing experiences ever. It’s better than alcohol and tranquilizers! I know many people fall asleep for the hour, but I never have. I remember the first few treatments, I seriously felt like I had taken a handful of Ativan or some heavy duty sleep medicine. And yes, I can draw the comparison…I’ve had experience with both unfortunately! OK maybe not with a HANDFUL but you get the idea.

I am aware of what is going on around me but I just melt into the chair at the same time. I have had treatments where I feel like I am floating. I have experienced vibration sensations in parts of my body and itching. I have felt my mouth watering which is significant since I was having a constant dry mouth. Sometimes I feel this warmth go through my body. Oh wait, that may be the heating lamp over my feet. Anyways, I can tell that things are happening to my body and it all feels good. For a whole hour, I am actually at peace with my body and trust me, you cannot beat an experience like that….

Life changes

January 11, 2011 / / 1 Comment

“Just when I think I have learned the way to live, life changes.” ~ Hugh Prather

It never ceases to amaze me how much my life is constantly changing. For so long, I thought it was changing for the worse; between divorce, illness, job loss, home loss, dog loss…it was all so much. After all these events occurred in one really lousy year, I had to learn to live my life again, differently. As many people close to me know, it was a life changing year for me and one in which I never expected to have so many positive outcomes come from but during the process, I found myself.
In the process of this finding myself, I reconnected with old friends and made new ones. I experienced the joy of living alone. I learned to rely on myself. I became more assertive and took more risks. I learned how to live my life and not let it live me.
In the midst of all this, I began dating again. However after more first dates than I care to recall and some poor decisions on my part which led to heartbreak, I decided that in the end, I was happier alone. I had no intention of getting close enough to a potential partner again to actually try and build a life with them. Who needed them? Not me. To be honest, while dating for about two years after separating from my ex-husband, I realized my life was full as it was. I didn’t need a partner to feel complete. And I definitely did not need the aggravation.

So of course when I was least expecting it, what do you think happened? I fell in love. Totally and completely head over heels in love to the point that I now doubt if I was ever really in love before. My boyfriend became not only my love, but my best friend. Being in love is wonderful. With it though, comes change and all of a sudden, my life changed yet again.
I had to learn to trust again, to think of someone besides myself on a daily basis again, and to shop with someone else while not going off on my own the whole time! One of the hardest things I had to learn though was how to lean on a partner. Don’t get me wrong; I have wonderful family and friends who I have been able to lean on often for support, but I have never had a partner who supports me the way my boyfriend does. I don’t always have to be the strong one in a crisis. I can cry. I can freak out. I can mourn. I can let him in. He won’t run away.
So where has this relationship brought me? I am now in the process of moving to his (OK “our”) home. Family and a few friends are surprised and I don’t blame them. We have only been dating for four months. If it was a friend of mine, I would probably tell them they are crazy. I would hate to tell them that we started talking about moving in together about six weeks into the relationship! But it is like they say, when you know, you know. The first time we discussed it, I wasn’t quite ready. I knew I would be eventually, but I wasn’t ready to give up my 2-3 nights/week home alone! As it was, I had to switch my “Friday night dance party” to a weeknight once my new love and I started spending the weekends together.
Yes, on a semi-regular basis (usually when I need to get some rest for the weekend and have to stay in), I crank up my IPOD on my stereo, open up a cold bottle of Blue Moon beer and dance/sing like an idiot with my dog in the living room. Then I open another Blue Moon and talk with friends on the phone or online. The dog loves it…she howls like a fool while I am dancing and singing away; quite a spectacle! But I digress…
About six weeks ago though, I knew I was ready to start sharing my precious living space. I realized that singing at the top of my lungs and dancing with my dog to very loud music would be more fun with my boyfriend. I was ready to give up my beloved apartment and work with him to make his home “ours” in whatever ways I needed to make it comfortable for me. More importantly, I also realized that he would give me the space I needed to keep my identity as a person, especially in terms of my other friendships. I wanted to share my life with him and not just a few nights a week and weekends. He wasn’t filling a void in my life, he was adding to the beauty of it.
I will admit, I am a little scared. Not of living with him. Although I am sure we will have our stumbling blocks, I am very secure in the knowledge that whatever difficulties we will encounter, we can work through them. At first I was concerned my “dark side” would send him packing but reality is, he is in it for the long haul ,as am I. Plus he has seen my dark side now and still has let me move stuff in!
No, the fear is that little voice in the back of my head that says this is too good to be true and moving in together is very symbolic of how serious our relationship is. Sometimes I just sit back and think “how did I get so lucky?” Not because I don’t think I deserve to be happy or deserve to with someone as wonderful as him; I do. But when you have experienced so much loss and heartbreak, it can make it difficult to sit back and accept that life does not always have to end up with loss and heartbreak. Sometimes life (and God) can bring two people together who were meant for each other and they can begin the journey of learning to live a new life…together.

For the love of Molly

December 30, 2010 / / 1 Comment

“A person can learn a lot from a dog, even a loopy one like ours. Marley taught me about living each day with unbridled exuberance and joy, about seizing the moment and following your heart. He taught me to appreciate the simple things-a walk in the woods, a fresh snowfall, a nap in a shaft of winter sunlight. And as he grew old and achy, he taught me about optimism in the face of adversity. Mostly, he taught me about friendship and selflessness and, above all else, unwavering loyalty.” ~ John Grogan

December 27th 4:15pm:

I just saw one of the most heartwarming reunions ever. I am sitting in the MSPCA Angell Animal Hospital waiting room. A beautiful Newfoundland was being discharged from the hospital. I got the feeling that he has been here for a while. His family was waiting in the reception area. The double doors opened and the big Newfie (as they are nicknamed) came barreling through the doors and literally into his family’s arms. You could hear then cry with delight as he bounded toward them; there was no doubt in anyone’s mind who witnessed this reunion that they were his and he was theirs.

I am sitting in the waiting area next to them as a anxiously wait for a neurologist to exam my dog and then come talk to me. We already saw a regular doctor and I am exhausted. My dear Molly has had one hell of a time the past several days and to be honest, so have I; thought I had it all pulled together until I saw the Newfie and his family back together and now, I am a mess.

Anyone who has spent even five minutes with me knows how crazy in love I am with my basset hound mix Molly. We have been to hell and back together and I was just commenting to people recently how well she has been lately. She has had quite a year with multiple health issues including surgery for an ear hematoma, a laceration repair, and some hind leg problems. I should have known that this calm in our lives, both with her health and my own, would not last very long.

It has been a nightmarish past five days getting the run around from other incompetent vets and watching her suffer a lot of the time with piercing cries due to the agony she was in. They think she may have intervertebral disk disease based on her symptoms. I am so angry. I kept telling these other vets (including an ER one) that something wasn’t right. I didn’t know what was wrong but I knew something was. She has too high a pain tolerance to be this vocal…she must be hurting so bad. I can’t stand to see her suffer. I know to some people she is just a dog. But imagine having a connection to a living being, any living being, and having to watch their agony; but yet not be able to get them the help they need. It is heartbreaking.

December 27th 8:45am:

I am home. Molly was admitted to the hospital last night. I am devastated. She was seen by the neurologist and he said that they will do an MRI in the morning, but they are certain she has a herniated disk in her spine and it has caused nerve damage. They think she will walk again and have adequate pain control, but she has most likely lost bladder and bowel control for the rest of her life. She is about 9 ½ yrs. old. They did not present this to me as an option verbally, but I have to decide now if I should put her through a painful surgery with a long recovery and possible complications. The option is that I don’t and she is put down because I cannot take her home like this and let her suffer. Am I physically and emotionally able to care for a dog who needs to have her bladder expressed 4 times a day, not to mention managing the fecal incontinence? They say you cannot put a price on a pet but the reality is, I am looking at about $6000 this week in bills and I am on disability. That does not include what it will cost me to manage the incontinence issues as well as the vet bills to deal with bladder complications, medications, etc. They found she has a heart murmur as well which is caused by something called mitral valve prolapse. It has not caused any heart damage and does not require any medications right now but the reality is, I am sure it will be an issue at some point. I can’t even believe I am thinking of putting her down. What is the best thing for Molly? How do I make a decision like this? I feel like I am playing God. I feel like I am being selfish.

December 30th 1:50pm:

Molly is laying quietly in front of me on the rug. She had the surgery. There was more disk material to remove from her spinal cord than they anticipated. She must have been suffering so much. To the amazement of the vet staff and myself, she is not only walking already, but is going to the bathroom on her own as well. To me, it feels like a miracle. They say she is not out of the woods yet and her post surgery recovery will be long but we should know more for sure as the weeks progress. She is amazing.

There was something very powerful emotionally about going into Boston to pick up the dog you thought you might never take home again. It changes things. It made me stronger because now I know when the time does come for Molly to leave me, I will be able to make the right decision for her.

So how did I finally make the decision to do the surgery? I guess it came down to asking myself the important questions. Is she likely to have a good quality of life afterwards? What constitutes a good quality of life for her in particular? Will I be able to take care of her? If I run into a crisis with my own health issues, will I have support? Once I pay the vet bills, can I still pay my own basic bills/medical costs? Because of the positive outcome she has had so far, it is easy to sit back and say I made the right decision but really, there was no right or wrong decision. At the time, it was a no-win situation that I could not predict the outcome of. So I had talked more with the vet, researched her condition (for hours and hours!), and prayed. And in the end, I made the decision I thought was best for the love of Molly…

To My Friend

December 17, 2010 / / 2 Comments

You know it is never good news when your phone rings twice at 8am in the morning. As I heard Todd’s voice, I knew something bad had happened, but I never would have thought that the news was that you had left us so suddenly. How can that be? I never got to say good bye…I never got to thank you.

I am so sad. Yes, I am sad for my own loss but even more so, I am so sad for Harry, Aaron, and Chris. I am sad for your Twisted Sisters Jen and Mary. I am sad for all the clients you touched through your work as a caregiver. I am sad for our congregation. I am sad that we will not get to sing together at the Cantata this Sunday. You were always giving so much to other people. You are so loved my friend.
You were one of the first people from church to befriend me and welcome me into your home. You and Harry welcomed me into your family and I so enjoyed the cookouts, the dinners out, and watching football in your living room. I enjoyed our chats. Thank you for making me feel welcome.
Thank you for encouraging me to try and sing in the choir. Despite all the difficulties with my breathing and my voice, you encouraged me to sing the best I could, when I could. I will never forget the smile you gave me when you saw how overjoyed I was at choir rehearsal that Sunday night after singing with all of you. You told me that you understood how joyous I felt because that was what singing did for you. It was your legacy. The support and encouragement you gave me was your gift to me so thank you. Every time I sing in church, I will be singing for you as well.
These are all the words I have right now my friend. We will gather together to pray for and support your family. We will gather together to sing in your name. We will gather together to share memories, grieve our loss, and celebrate your life. And until we meet again…
« Older posts Newer posts »

© 2026 For Everything There is a Season

Theme by Anders Noren — Up ↑