For Everything There is a Season

"In order to write about life, first you must live it." ~ Ernest Hemingway

Page 27 of 44

An Afternoon with Wynonna Judd

Sometimes all it takes is just a smile to change somebody’s weather
chase the clouds out of their sky.
Sometimes you got to give and not receive,
Sometimes you got to live what you believe,
Open your arms cause that’s where it starts
Right here with you and with me,
What the world needs now is love. Love and only
love. A little help
from up above.
Fit to make a better day. Let’s come together lay our differences
down. Spread it all around,
That’s what the world needs now.
~Wynonna

It happened sometime around the year 1992. A friend of mine introduced me to country music, in a country bar in Springfield, MA and despite the fact that I thought I didn’t like country music, I fell in love with it. I even learned how to line dance way back then. I have followed country music for the past twenty years but I have always stuck with a few of my favorites from those years I spent line dancing when I was in my twenties. One of those favorites was and still is Wynonna Judd.

I have always wanted to see Wynonna in concert and for many reasons, the opportunity never presented itself. I was a broke college student or a broke young adult in my twenties trying to swing living on my own for the first time. Then came marriage and along with it, the stresses of being in a bad one. Significant health issues arose and there wasn’t much time for having fun. After a while, Wynonna disappeared from the tour circuit.

Then it happened. Chuck, my fiance, found out that Wynonna was on tour and coming to a concert venue, Indian Ranch in Webster, MA, for a show date. And guess who got tickets for her 41st birthday from the best fiance ever. Oh yes, that would be me. Twenty years as a fan and I was finally getting to see one of my music idols.

Yesterday was the day of the concert and it definitely started out not being my best day physically as I have been battling some pretty severe migraines lately; most likely related to my autoimmune disorder. But I was so determined to go. I know Chuck was a little nervous about purchasing concert tickets because we had to cancel out on a Miranda Lambert concert earlier this year and we ended up giving the tickets away. But seriously? This was Wynonna! It would have taken being on my death bed to pass this opportunity up.

A few Tylenol, an hour with ice packs, some nausea medicine and we were off to Webster, MA. I had never been to Indian Ranch for a concert before and we were pleasantly surprised. It is on the smaller side for a concert venue compared to other places I have attended concerts but I love the intimate setting of it. We found our seats and I was shocked at how good they were. We were six rows from the stage with an aisle in front of us. Chuck had intentionally picked these seats because the chairs were more comfortable than the bleacher seats and since there was an aisle in front of us, it would make it easier for me to get up and move around if my arthritis started acting up.

You know that feeling you have as a child on Christmas morning? The one where you have so much anticipation and excitement that you feel like you cannot even contain it for another minute? That is exactly how I felt while listening to the opening band and waiting for Wynonna to come on stage. The opening band, The Eric Grant Band, was actually great but I just could not contain my excitement of waiting for Wynonna to perform. I am not typically one of those people who gets all starry eyed over celebrities and performers, but she is one of my rare exceptions.

I was not disappointed.

She came on that stage and I was mesmerized from beginning to end. The performance was spectacular because it had one major quality that a lot of concerts these days lack and that was: authenticity. No bells and whistles. No fancy lights. Just Wynonna and her very talented band singing and playing their hearts out. She talked with the crowd and even invited audience members up to the stage several times so they could give her flowers, meet her, and even sing with her. She joked with us. She came across as a real woman.

And this real woman can sing. If I could pick one person in the world whose voice I wish I had, it would be the voice of Wynonna Judd. This woman has range, power, and soul with every note that she sings. Chuck went with me to the concert and he is very much NOT a country music fan and until yesterday, would not even know a Wynonna song if he heard one.  However even he was impressed with the vocal and band performance, as well as with the entire show.

But alas, all good things must come to an end and after about an hour and a half, our afternoon with Wynonna was over. On the way back to our car we noticed a small group of people waiting at the fence which surrounded Wynonna’s tour bus. It had been a long day for me and I was exhausted and in pain. But the possibility of seeing Wynonna and the very rare possibility of speaking with her outweighed the pain, exhaustion and even the need to get home to our dog. After approximately an hour, it became apparent that she was settled in on her tour bus and would not be coming out to see our small group of fans.Then again, who could blame her after the high energy performance she put on and the hours she had spent getting ready for the performance and meeting fans before the show.

However as luck would have it, her husband and very talented drummer, Cactus Moser did make his way to the tour bus during that hour and was kind enough to great fans, take some photographs, and sign autographs. My five to ten seconds of meeting him was something that I had not expected to happen and I felt fortunate to be able to interact with such a talented musician; a first for me.

So now I can say that I have seen the one country music singer that until yesterday, I had never had the opportunity to see perform. One more item crossed off my informal bucket list.

A memory made.
A memory preserved.
One that when thinking back, will always make me smile.

Photos Courtesy of Chuck Myers

Whale Watching…Life Watching…

“We clear the harbor and the wind catches her sails and my beautiful ship leans over ever so gracefully, and her elegant bow cuts cleanly into the increasing chop of the waves. I take a deep breath and my chest expands and my heart starts thumping so strongly I fear the others might see it beat through the cloth of my jacket. I face the wind and my lips peel back from my teeth in a grin of pure joy.”  ~ L.A. Meyer

I have always loved the ocean, especially the New England coastline. Beaches, lighthouses, sand, boats, and scenic views are just the beginning of my love affair with the ocean. Add to that the sound of waves crashing the rugged shoreline as well as the smell of the salt water penetrating my nostrils and I am in a state of complete contentment. Pure joy even.

Up until last year, I was always more a spectator of the New England coastline and it’s vast Atlantic Ocean rather than a participant. I would walk beaches scouring for shells and tour lighthouses but with the exception of two ferry trips, I was never actually on the ocean. Then last year Chuck and I spent an afternoon on a tugboat as part of the MS Harborfest event benefiting the Multiple Sclerosis Society and I was hooked. I found a new love in Portland, Maine. A love of piers, fishing vessels, lobster traps, and even the somewhat foul smell of a fishing port.

We had been wanting to go on a whale watch together since we started dating almost two years ago. Chuck had been several times before and I had never been. I am not quite sure why. I think part of it was that I always shied away from going on boats due to issues with motion sickness and also just never really having the opportunity to be on a boat. However this year we were finally able to make the time to schedule it and it worked out that I was finally well enough to brave the adventure.

So yesterday we made the trip to Gloucester, Massachusetts, about two hours from our home, to go on a whale watch with a company called 7 Seas Whale Watch. I was beyond excited mostly because it was an experience I had never had before and also because I got to be on the ocean again. Apparently I come from a long line of fisherman on my dad’s side of the family and when I did a genealogy research many years ago, Gloucester was one of the areas that some of my distant relatives had worked and lived in. Maybe it is in the blood!

Nothing though could have prepared me for the experience I had yesterday and how profoundly it affected me.

After taking a good dose of Dramamine for motion sickness, we got on the boat. Everyone else getting on board seemed so intent on getting a seat and staying put. By the time we got on, there were no seats left except inside the cabin and I didn’t see the point of staying in there! My first thought was that it was going to be difficult to stand with my physical issues as the trip was supposed to be almost four hours long. But then I decided it was going to all work out somehow for the best. So instead, we settled ourselves by standing at the bow of the boat, which is the very tip of the front of the boat. The width was enough room for Chuck and I to stand together side by side with nobody in front of us and nobody to the sides of us. There was a double railing so it gave me the ability to switch positions often by leaning and supporting myself on the rail. I figured eventually there would be an open seat somewhere out of the deck.

Absolute best decision.

Why? Because when the boat started moving, we had the best view ever. I knew at that point that there was no way I would be moving from that spot unless I was on the verge of collapse. The boat had such a low profile (meaning close to the water) that it felt like we were right on the water. And with the boat traveling at speeds of up to about 20mph, being at the bow was incredible. Wind rushing through my hair and body and having an unobstructed view of the vast Atlantic Ocean was priceless.

At first, we slowly moved out of Gloucester Harbor which is just a treat in itself. Breathtaking scenery of lighthouses, fishing vessels, old buildings, and even a harbor seal! Then as we moved out of the harbor, the temperature dropped and what was stretched in front of me was the beautiful vastness of the Atlantic Ocean. An occasional fishing or sailboat was all we saw at first and then we saw nothing but blue water as far as the horizon where it met the sky.

And it just got better.

Since we were at the very front of the boat, I spotted the first whale. I could see in front of that horizon water shooting up from the surface. Water from the blowhole of a whale. A creature that I had never seen before in its home. A creature free to roam its land freely, untouched by the modern world that we live in.

As we got closer to the whale watching spot, the boat slowed down and eventually stopped. It is a surreal feeling being in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean at a standstill. No other vessels around (at that point) and people on the boat waiting in silence; waiting to see the great creature we had come to observe.

And then they came, not one but two whales. Two humpback whales diving in and out of the vast ocean working as a pair while they were feeding. Such an incredible sight. Such a natural sight. A sight that left me with tears welling up in my eyes. Why, I am not sure.

From what we were told by the naturalist narrating our tour, the area we were in, Stellwagon Bank, is a large feeding area for the whales, USA Today has listed this area off the coast of Gloucester as one of the world’s top ten whale watching sites.

I can see why.

Apparently we happened to hit an unusual day for our whale watch. There was an abundance of whales to watch and it was amazing how close the captain of our boat could get us to these magnificent creatures. Humpbacks, Finbacks, and Minke whales were on the agenda for yesterday. Sometimes we would see one, sometimes two working in tandem to gather their food to store up for the winter when they would then migrate down to the Caribbean where there is no food available for them. We got to see a calf, which is a baby whale. At one point, we could see several whales with the water shooting out of their blowholes in the distance. There had to be at least four gathered together.

Another treat was that we saw schools of Atlantic White-sided Dolphins, which is an unusual sight in July. Normally they grace the water of the Atlantic in the spring and fall. Sometimes we saw two swimming at a time; sometimes four. Sometimes swimming alone and more incredibly, sometimes flanking the sides of a humpback whale as he/she travelled the waters. At one point, our boat drove along the dolphins as they perfectly synchronized their swimming in pairs alongside our boat.

Nature in perfect harmony.
Life in perfect harmony.

After staying out in the whale’s feeding area for what seemed like an infinite amount of time, our vessel made its way back to Gloucester Harbor. This time I found a seat but still I was at the front of the boat. My senses felt pleasurably assaulted once again. The sound of the ocean water rushing away from the sides of the boat sounded like music. The smell of the salt water still in the air.

Sometimes spiritual experiences come when you least expect them. I have to say, I was due for a spiritual experience; one that made me feel like I was more connected with God and with myself. I am not sure exactly how it happened. Maybe it was because of my spot on the boat, up there in the front. It helped me to feel like Chuck and I were the only ones on that boat. Like we were almost right on the water with those creatures. Maybe because like I mentioned earlier, we were in a place untouched by our modern world with all of it’s distractions. A place of beauty.

One thing I do know for sure: we were in God’s country. For me, a place free of doctors and medical tests. Free of insurance and disability companies. Free of technology. Free of other people’s drama. Free of stress, disappointments, and expectations. A peaceful place.

In other words, a little piece of heaven.
Right here on earth.

Photos Courtesy of Chuck Myers

Rediscovering Weight Watchers

“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.” ~ Dr. Dennis Waitley

So I have been writing a lot over the past six months about nutrition and exercise because I am on a mission, and I mean a SERIOUS mission, to improve my autoimmune symptoms as much as I can by eating healthier and exercising my very unpredictable and sometimes seemingly frail body. As all journeys are, this particular one is an ever changing and evolving journey. This blog entry is about my most recent change.

In January of this year I changed to a gluten and dairy-free diet with a focus on also reducing refined sugars and processed foods. Then around April, I joined a new gym with the intention of getting myself on a very regular exercise program which would help me to build a stronger body and in the process, alleviate some of the overwhelming stress I had experienced over the previous several months. Despite many obstacles with my physical abilities at times, overall my exercise program has been quite successful in terms of meeting the objectives and goals I had set for myself.

Although the primary focus of these lifestyle changes was, and still is, for the purpose of improving my health and combating this god awful autoimmune illness, there is more to the story. In addition to wanting to be healthier, I was sick of being fat. Sick of being the biggest person in the room. Sick of never finding the right clothes to fit me in a flattering way. Sick of looking in the mirror and knowing that I didn’t like the image looking back at me. I had lost a good amount of weight, thirty-six pounds, on my own over the past three years but I had stalled out in my weight loss for a variety of reasons. However as I was making these dietary and fitness changes since January, I was also determined to not fall into the diet trap again. The one I had spent so much time in for most of my life. You know, the one where you start a diet, do OK for a while, fall off the wagon, and start hating yourself all over again. I wanted my lifestyle changes to be about taking good care of my body and not about dieting.

However despite the changes I had made already, I knew that I needed to do more. Yes, I was on steroids and sometimes huge doses of them. But I felt like I was not in control of my eating and definitely not in control of my weight. I felt like I was not truly doing the best that I could do to take care of myself and I needed some help.

As luck would have it, a dear friend of mine had recently started Weight Watchers and she told me about their new program. I had been to Weight Watchers before and did well with it for a period of time. And then I would stop following the program or start cheating a lot and I would fall off the wagon. I was also concerned about the gluten and dairy-free issue and how I would pull that off. However this friend of mine is also gluten and dairy-free so she was my inspiration for believing that it could be done.

I sat down and seriously thought about if I started going to Weight Watchers, would it work for me? What if it didn’t work for me with all the steroids I was on? What if I couldn’t stick with it? What if, what if, what if. This is what I finally decided. First, I had to stop using the steroids as an excuse for being overweight. Yes, they can cause weight gain but let’s face it, I was severely overweight before I ever popped a prednisone tablet into my mouth.

Yeap, truth hurts sometimes.

Secondly, things are different now than they were when I was on Weight Watchers years ago. My health is a mess and I have a lot more to lose now. My autoimmune illness is not weight related but I have spent so much friggin’ time being sick that I want to be as fit and healthy as I can possibly  be so that I can enjoy my good days more fully. In addition, I don’t want to have to deal with any weight related health issues down the road on top of the health issues I already have. I want to be in the best possible state of health that my autoimmune illness will allow. I have never been this motivated to change.

So on my 41st birthday, May 3rd, I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. And you know what? It felt good to be there. To be taking yet another proactive step in an attempt to create a healthier version of myself.

I have to admit, between following Weight Watchers and staying gluten/dairy-free, the past seven weeks have not always been easy. I have come to figure out that even though I was eating a lot healthier over the past six months, my portion sizes were ridiculously out of wack. I found that the new Weight Watchers program focuses more on eating whole natural foods than it used to and I really liked that fact. I have found a lot of emotional support in the group meetings and through the message boards online to help change some of my unhealthy eating habits and to learn to eat with purpose. Eat to live rather than live to eat.

And it is working. Looking at the numbers, I have lost twelve pounds in the past seven weeks, despite being on steroids for five of those weeks. This puts me back at the weight I was at seven months ago which is when I started my last round of steroids. More importantly though, I feel better about myself and what I am eating. I am starting to like the face looking back at me in the mirror every morning. Not because she is twelve pounds lighter but rather because she is working hard to be the best that she can be.

She is defying the steroid odds.

She is defying her own self doubts.

She is in control.

It is a much better place to be.

Photo Courtesy of Google Images

Crossroads

I feel like I am at a crossroads in regards to my health, nutrition, and exercise lately. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the word crossroads as: a crucial point, especially where a decision must be made. I am not certain that my decisions are necessarily crucial but you get the point.

Over the past two months I have slowly been weaning off my prednisone which was at very high doses to begin with between the oral tablets I was taking and the IV infusions. I finally came off of it three days ago. I knew it was going to be difficult. Historically I come off prednisone for a while and then ultimately go back on it at varying doses because my symptoms return. However this time I am determined to stay off of it for as long as I can unless I am in a very bad or urgent situation such as literally not being able to walk or if I am having extreme difficulty breathing. The reason I feel so strongly about staying off the prednisone is because I am forty-one years old and I believe that my doctor and I need to try another course of treatment. The risk of long term side efefects is high. Not to mention the ones I have to live with when on the medication. It is a toss up most of the time as to what is worse: the disease or the treatment. At this point, it has become a quality of life issue.

But I am in a lot of pain. The joint pain that notoriously feels like someone is driving a chisel into my bones. It is not the worst pain I have ever had but it is pervasive and it is starting to affect my daily life again. I know that if I call my rheumatologist, she will immediately put me back on the prednisone and I just can’t do that to myself again right now. Also, the adrenal gland gets shut off when you are on prednisone and they need time to work on their own again. While this rebalance is taking place, it is common to have symptoms like joint pain. I am hoping that this is all this pain issue is: a response to coming off the prednisone.

I am also at a crossroads with my exercise program. While I was on the prednisone, I was able to do a lot more than I can now. At this point, I cannot even swim without being in significant pain afterwards. And this upsets me. I have come to rely heavily on regular exercise to not only manage my weight but also my emotional well being. I am currently reevaluating the exercise program I have put in place to see how I can work it so that I can still exercise without paying such a heavy price afterwards. It is difficult though when I have made so much progress over the past two months in regards to my fitness level. All I want to do is keep going forward, not backwards.

The final issue to my diet. I have been working so hard on changing my lifestyle over the past six months and my dietary changes have been drastic. And now I am ticked off. Why? Because I have busted my butt for the past five to six months eliminating all gluten and dairy from my diet. I have drastically eliminated sugar as well. I did these things because it has been shown that gluten, dairy, and sugar can contribute to inflammation. I have sacrificed a lot to make this eating plan work for me and yet as I sit here typing, the joints in fingers are swollen and painful. I know I may be jumping the gun a bit because once my body chemistry evens out, maybe the pain will be better. But it is hard to not be discouraged when I had a lot of hope placed on my dietary changes making a huge difference in my illness. Not to say that it won’t but time will have to tell on that issue.

So what do I do now? Do I give up my gluten and dairy free diet? Do I let myself start having sugary dessert more often? Do I just sit back and use my pain as an excuse to not exercise as often or even at all? Most importantly, do I go back to my medicine cabinet and give in to the pain; knowing that relief may just be as easy as a 10mg tablet of prednisone?

Hell no.

Here is what I am going to do instead. I am going to go to acupuncture more frequently. I will keep reading and learning about pain management techniques and use them as much as possible. I will eat even healthier than I already have been. I will use regular pain medicine when I need to give my body a break from the pain. And I will still exercise. I am not quite sure how but I am resourceful. I will figure it out.

The most important thing I will do is….

Not give in.

I will fight to be stronger than this current flare up of pain. I will not use my illness as an excuse to eat crap or be a couch potato twenty-four hours a day. However, I will also be kind and gentle to my body in whatever ways it need me to be. I will have faith that this too shall pass. One day and one hour at a time.

Photo Courtesy of:  Image Crossroads (C) by www.martin-liebermann.de

When Mother’s Day Means Something Different

This is a picture of a flower that was handed to me today in church by one of the children. We celebrated Mother’s Day as well as Children’s Sunday today. Children’s Sunday represents the close of the Sunday school year and it is a celebration and recognition of what the children in our church have accomplished throughout the school year. The handing out of the flowers has been occurring for a few years now. I remember the first year the flowers were presented on Mother’s Day. Before the children came out to present them both that year and this year, my minister prefaced this beautiful gesture by telling the congregation the flowers would be given to those of us in church that “look like a mother.” I remember sitting in the pew that very first year and thinking how difficult it was going to be for me when the children bypassed me and I was left without a flower. Left with an outward sign of who I am not. A mother.

But miracle of all miracles, I received a flower that year and I have received one every Mother’s Day since. All the women in our congregation do; because even if we have never given birth, adopted, or raised a child of our own, we all have in some way mothered a child or another human being. The flower is a symbol for the mother that lies within us.

Mother’s Day has notoriously been a very difficult day for me over the years. Correction: I have made it a difficult day for myself. The reason is simple. I love children, have always wanted some, or at least one, and have never had a child of my own. The reasons are numerous and complicated. I know it is something that I will eventually write many essays about but for today, writing about Mother’s Day is enough.

As the years have gone by, I have struggled with Mother’s Day because I have always focused on what I did not have and that is: a child of my own. One that I can raise, nurture, and love. As the day would approach and come to slap me in the face with my reality, I would dread it. Because I knew that most likely, I would never have the opportunity to be celebrated on that one special day each year. I would never possess that which is known to most of our society as the ultimate bond between two people: the bond between a mother and her child. It can be quite a difficult thing to live with in our culture and society where being a parent is given the utmost priority and acceptance. It can be quite a difficult thing to live with period. Sometimes you feel like you don’t fit with the rest of the world. Sometimes you just feel plain old sad. But those are topics for another day as well.

Luckily though, my thinking about this issue has evolved over the past year or so. And it has not come easily. Changing my thinking about going through Mother’s Day with no children has taken a lot of soul searching and yes, even some acceptance. It is not because I like children any less. But rather because I am more focused on what I do have rather than what I do not have. To start with, I have my own incredible mother. One that has nurtured me and supported me my entire life and whom I would probably be lost in life without. I do not want to waste precious time feeling sorry for myself on Mother’s Day when I could spend that time honoring and thinking about my own mother. And there is my fiance’s mother. How grateful am I for her? The person that brought the love of my life into existence. The man who has completely changed my life.

Most women in my life, whether they are friends or family, are mothers. I have been blessed by the grace of God to know them and to witness the everyday struggles, challenges, joys, and blessings that come with raising a child. To be honest, I do not think that every mother is a great one or even a good one. But in my circle, they are. So on this day, I honor them in my heart. I feel lucky to be a part of their lives.

What I have also come to realize, similar to how my church treats the women in our congregation on Mother’s Day, is that being a mother is not just about having a child of your own. It is about how we, as women, nurture and support the children in our lives whether it is in our own family or in our community. I now can stop and think of the times I have nurtured other people’s children. I have cared for, nurtured, and loved nephews, future adult stepchildren, goddaughters, and children of friends closest to me. I have supported the children in my congregation in their endeavors and activities. I have been a mother to every single pediatric patient I have ever taken care of by holding their hand, disciplining them, and singing to them in the middle of the night when they were scared or in pain.

I have been present.

Is it the same thing as raising a child of your own twenty-four hours a day? No, it is not the same. But I do not think that fact makes it any less important, or any more important for that matter. It just makes it different.

I am not living in denial of the difficulties associated with losing a part of my life’s dream. Now though, I try to not let it define me by who I am as a woman. From this Mother’s Day on, I refuse to let it overshadow what this day is supposed to be about and that is love. So Happy Mother’s Day to all of the women in my life who are mothers. Those who have:

Given birth to a child,
Adopted a child,
Raised a child,
Encouraged a child,
Been a role model for a child,
Helped a child,
Loved a child….
You are all truly my inspiration.
Photo Courtesy of Chuck Myers
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