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Rediscovering Weight Watchers

June 20, 2012 / / 7 Comments
“There are two primary choices in life: to accept conditions as they exist, or accept the responsibility for changing them.” ~ Dr. Dennis Waitley

So I have been writing a lot over the past six months about nutrition and exercise because I am on a mission, and I mean a SERIOUS mission, to improve my autoimmune symptoms as much as I can by eating healthier and exercising my very unpredictable and sometimes seemingly frail body. As all journeys are, this particular one is an ever changing and evolving journey. This blog entry is about my most recent change.

In January of this year I changed to a gluten and dairy-free diet with a focus on also reducing refined sugars and processed foods. Then around April, I joined a new gym with the intention of getting myself on a very regular exercise program which would help me to build a stronger body and in the process, alleviate some of the overwhelming stress I had experienced over the previous several months. Despite many obstacles with my physical abilities at times, overall my exercise program has been quite successful in terms of meeting the objectives and goals I had set for myself.

Although the primary focus of these lifestyle changes was, and still is, for the purpose of improving my health and combating this god awful autoimmune illness, there is more to the story. In addition to wanting to be healthier, I was sick of being fat. Sick of being the biggest person in the room. Sick of never finding the right clothes to fit me in a flattering way. Sick of looking in the mirror and knowing that I didn’t like the image looking back at me. I had lost a good amount of weight, thirty-six pounds, on my own over the past three years but I had stalled out in my weight loss for a variety of reasons. However as I was making these dietary and fitness changes since January, I was also determined to not fall into the diet trap again. The one I had spent so much time in for most of my life. You know, the one where you start a diet, do OK for a while, fall off the wagon, and start hating yourself all over again. I wanted my lifestyle changes to be about taking good care of my body and not about dieting.

However despite the changes I had made already, I knew that I needed to do more. Yes, I was on steroids and sometimes huge doses of them. But I felt like I was not in control of my eating and definitely not in control of my weight. I felt like I was not truly doing the best that I could do to take care of myself and I needed some help.

As luck would have it, a dear friend of mine had recently started Weight Watchers and she told me about their new program. I had been to Weight Watchers before and did well with it for a period of time. And then I would stop following the program or start cheating a lot and I would fall off the wagon. I was also concerned about the gluten and dairy-free issue and how I would pull that off. However this friend of mine is also gluten and dairy-free so she was my inspiration for believing that it could be done.

I sat down and seriously thought about if I started going to Weight Watchers, would it work for me? What if it didn’t work for me with all the steroids I was on? What if I couldn’t stick with it? What if, what if, what if. This is what I finally decided. First, I had to stop using the steroids as an excuse for being overweight. Yes, they can cause weight gain but let’s face it, I was severely overweight before I ever popped a prednisone tablet into my mouth.

Yeap, truth hurts sometimes.

Secondly, things are different now than they were when I was on Weight Watchers years ago. My health is a mess and I have a lot more to lose now. My autoimmune illness is not weight related but I have spent so much friggin’ time being sick that I want to be as fit and healthy as I can possibly  be so that I can enjoy my good days more fully. In addition, I don’t want to have to deal with any weight related health issues down the road on top of the health issues I already have. I want to be in the best possible state of health that my autoimmune illness will allow. I have never been this motivated to change.

So on my 41st birthday, May 3rd, I went to my first Weight Watchers meeting. And you know what? It felt good to be there. To be taking yet another proactive step in an attempt to create a healthier version of myself.

I have to admit, between following Weight Watchers and staying gluten/dairy-free, the past seven weeks have not always been easy. I have come to figure out that even though I was eating a lot healthier over the past six months, my portion sizes were ridiculously out of wack. I found that the new Weight Watchers program focuses more on eating whole natural foods than it used to and I really liked that fact. I have found a lot of emotional support in the group meetings and through the message boards online to help change some of my unhealthy eating habits and to learn to eat with purpose. Eat to live rather than live to eat.

And it is working. Looking at the numbers, I have lost twelve pounds in the past seven weeks, despite being on steroids for five of those weeks. This puts me back at the weight I was at seven months ago which is when I started my last round of steroids. More importantly though, I feel better about myself and what I am eating. I am starting to like the face looking back at me in the mirror every morning. Not because she is twelve pounds lighter but rather because she is working hard to be the best that she can be.

She is defying the steroid odds.

She is defying her own self doubts.

She is in control.

It is a much better place to be.

Photo Courtesy of Google Images

Crossroads

June 14, 2012 / / 6 Comments

I feel like I am at a crossroads in regards to my health, nutrition, and exercise lately. Merriam-Webster dictionary defines the word crossroads as: a crucial point, especially where a decision must be made. I am not certain that my decisions are necessarily crucial but you get the point.

Over the past two months I have slowly been weaning off my prednisone which was at very high doses to begin with between the oral tablets I was taking and the IV infusions. I finally came off of it three days ago. I knew it was going to be difficult. Historically I come off prednisone for a while and then ultimately go back on it at varying doses because my symptoms return. However this time I am determined to stay off of it for as long as I can unless I am in a very bad or urgent situation such as literally not being able to walk or if I am having extreme difficulty breathing. The reason I feel so strongly about staying off the prednisone is because I am forty-one years old and I believe that my doctor and I need to try another course of treatment. The risk of long term side efefects is high. Not to mention the ones I have to live with when on the medication. It is a toss up most of the time as to what is worse: the disease or the treatment. At this point, it has become a quality of life issue.

But I am in a lot of pain. The joint pain that notoriously feels like someone is driving a chisel into my bones. It is not the worst pain I have ever had but it is pervasive and it is starting to affect my daily life again. I know that if I call my rheumatologist, she will immediately put me back on the prednisone and I just can’t do that to myself again right now. Also, the adrenal gland gets shut off when you are on prednisone and they need time to work on their own again. While this rebalance is taking place, it is common to have symptoms like joint pain. I am hoping that this is all this pain issue is: a response to coming off the prednisone.

I am also at a crossroads with my exercise program. While I was on the prednisone, I was able to do a lot more than I can now. At this point, I cannot even swim without being in significant pain afterwards. And this upsets me. I have come to rely heavily on regular exercise to not only manage my weight but also my emotional well being. I am currently reevaluating the exercise program I have put in place to see how I can work it so that I can still exercise without paying such a heavy price afterwards. It is difficult though when I have made so much progress over the past two months in regards to my fitness level. All I want to do is keep going forward, not backwards.

The final issue to my diet. I have been working so hard on changing my lifestyle over the past six months and my dietary changes have been drastic. And now I am ticked off. Why? Because I have busted my butt for the past five to six months eliminating all gluten and dairy from my diet. I have drastically eliminated sugar as well. I did these things because it has been shown that gluten, dairy, and sugar can contribute to inflammation. I have sacrificed a lot to make this eating plan work for me and yet as I sit here typing, the joints in fingers are swollen and painful. I know I may be jumping the gun a bit because once my body chemistry evens out, maybe the pain will be better. But it is hard to not be discouraged when I had a lot of hope placed on my dietary changes making a huge difference in my illness. Not to say that it won’t but time will have to tell on that issue.

So what do I do now? Do I give up my gluten and dairy free diet? Do I let myself start having sugary dessert more often? Do I just sit back and use my pain as an excuse to not exercise as often or even at all? Most importantly, do I go back to my medicine cabinet and give in to the pain; knowing that relief may just be as easy as a 10mg tablet of prednisone?

Hell no.

Here is what I am going to do instead. I am going to go to acupuncture more frequently. I will keep reading and learning about pain management techniques and use them as much as possible. I will eat even healthier than I already have been. I will use regular pain medicine when I need to give my body a break from the pain. And I will still exercise. I am not quite sure how but I am resourceful. I will figure it out.

The most important thing I will do is….

Not give in.

I will fight to be stronger than this current flare up of pain. I will not use my illness as an excuse to eat crap or be a couch potato twenty-four hours a day. However, I will also be kind and gentle to my body in whatever ways it need me to be. I will have faith that this too shall pass. One day and one hour at a time.

Photo Courtesy of:  Image Crossroads (C) by www.martin-liebermann.de

When Mother’s Day Means Something Different

May 13, 2012 / / 4 Comments

This is a picture of a flower that was handed to me today in church by one of the children. We celebrated Mother’s Day as well as Children’s Sunday today. Children’s Sunday represents the close of the Sunday school year and it is a celebration and recognition of what the children in our church have accomplished throughout the school year. The handing out of the flowers has been occurring for a few years now. I remember the first year the flowers were presented on Mother’s Day. Before the children came out to present them both that year and this year, my minister prefaced this beautiful gesture by telling the congregation the flowers would be given to those of us in church that “look like a mother.” I remember sitting in the pew that very first year and thinking how difficult it was going to be for me when the children bypassed me and I was left without a flower. Left with an outward sign of who I am not. A mother.

But miracle of all miracles, I received a flower that year and I have received one every Mother’s Day since. All the women in our congregation do; because even if we have never given birth, adopted, or raised a child of our own, we all have in some way mothered a child or another human being. The flower is a symbol for the mother that lies within us.

Mother’s Day has notoriously been a very difficult day for me over the years. Correction: I have made it a difficult day for myself. The reason is simple. I love children, have always wanted some, or at least one, and have never had a child of my own. The reasons are numerous and complicated. I know it is something that I will eventually write many essays about but for today, writing about Mother’s Day is enough.

As the years have gone by, I have struggled with Mother’s Day because I have always focused on what I did not have and that is: a child of my own. One that I can raise, nurture, and love. As the day would approach and come to slap me in the face with my reality, I would dread it. Because I knew that most likely, I would never have the opportunity to be celebrated on that one special day each year. I would never possess that which is known to most of our society as the ultimate bond between two people: the bond between a mother and her child. It can be quite a difficult thing to live with in our culture and society where being a parent is given the utmost priority and acceptance. It can be quite a difficult thing to live with period. Sometimes you feel like you don’t fit with the rest of the world. Sometimes you just feel plain old sad. But those are topics for another day as well.

Luckily though, my thinking about this issue has evolved over the past year or so. And it has not come easily. Changing my thinking about going through Mother’s Day with no children has taken a lot of soul searching and yes, even some acceptance. It is not because I like children any less. But rather because I am more focused on what I do have rather than what I do not have. To start with, I have my own incredible mother. One that has nurtured me and supported me my entire life and whom I would probably be lost in life without. I do not want to waste precious time feeling sorry for myself on Mother’s Day when I could spend that time honoring and thinking about my own mother. And there is my fiance’s mother. How grateful am I for her? The person that brought the love of my life into existence. The man who has completely changed my life.

Most women in my life, whether they are friends or family, are mothers. I have been blessed by the grace of God to know them and to witness the everyday struggles, challenges, joys, and blessings that come with raising a child. To be honest, I do not think that every mother is a great one or even a good one. But in my circle, they are. So on this day, I honor them in my heart. I feel lucky to be a part of their lives.

What I have also come to realize, similar to how my church treats the women in our congregation on Mother’s Day, is that being a mother is not just about having a child of your own. It is about how we, as women, nurture and support the children in our lives whether it is in our own family or in our community. I now can stop and think of the times I have nurtured other people’s children. I have cared for, nurtured, and loved nephews, future adult stepchildren, goddaughters, and children of friends closest to me. I have supported the children in my congregation in their endeavors and activities. I have been a mother to every single pediatric patient I have ever taken care of by holding their hand, disciplining them, and singing to them in the middle of the night when they were scared or in pain.

I have been present.

Is it the same thing as raising a child of your own twenty-four hours a day? No, it is not the same. But I do not think that fact makes it any less important, or any more important for that matter. It just makes it different.

I am not living in denial of the difficulties associated with losing a part of my life’s dream. Now though, I try to not let it define me by who I am as a woman. From this Mother’s Day on, I refuse to let it overshadow what this day is supposed to be about and that is love. So Happy Mother’s Day to all of the women in my life who are mothers. Those who have:

Given birth to a child,
Adopted a child,
Raised a child,
Encouraged a child,
Been a role model for a child,
Helped a child,
Loved a child….
You are all truly my inspiration.
Photo Courtesy of Chuck Myers

Leaving Forty

May 2, 2012 / / 7 Comments
Every year on your birthday, you get a chance to start new. ~ Sammy Hagar

Tomorrow I am leaving my fortieth year. It seemed like just yesterday I was writing about turning forty in a blog entry (Turning Forty) and how significant that event was to me. It was a great birthday accompanied by a super fantastic surprise party with my family and friends. My impending birthday tomorrow has left me reflecting on the past year. One of the things I wrote about in the Turning Forty essay was about how birthdays are a way to celebrate our lives and how they are also a chance to say “Yes, I have gotten here.”

In many ways, I have not quite ended up where I thought I would be by the time I turned forty-one. I had anticipated that the past year would lead to a significant improvement in my health as well as a return to the work force as a registered nurse. I had plans for having one of my essays published in print. I wanted to lose a ton of weight. Like I stated in the previous essay: Ahh, the best laid plans. Maybe that is why we shouldn’t make so many of them, right?

My autoimmune illness got worse rather than better. I was diagnosed with two life threatening illnesses within a span of ten days earlier this year, both of which I have recovered fully from. At least physically. The threat of what “could have happened” still lingers in my memory. I know, I really need to get over that. Although both illnesses were not lifestyle related, I hit rock bottom with the exhaustion of dealing with illness and being sick all the time. I found a way to cope with that. I took more control over my body and health by changing several aspects of my lifestyle including changing my diet, getting exercise, and reducing stress. I made a big commitment to being a healthier person.

I lost a lot of connections with some friends over this past year for a variety of reasons. I made a few new ones. In the process of both, I learned the value of quality over quantity and the importance of selecting my friends with care. As I continue to get older, I become more astutely aware of the significance that these relationships have for me and that sometimes these relationships are ever changing, just like the rest of the world is so much of the time.

In my fortieth year, I took a few risks. One of those was committing to marry the love of my life, A bold move for me because it has meant placing my complete trust in a partner. And finding out that when you are with the right partner, that trust will not be broken. I have learned over my past year with him about what it takes for a relationship to survive the darkest of hours in order to be able to travel the same path together for a lifetime.

Although when I turned forty, I felt like I had already learned the importance of living each day like it was a privilege, this past year has taught me the importance of prioritizing each of those days:

That cleaning the bathroom is not as important as spending time on the phone with a loved one.

That washing the dishes in the sink is not as important as hanging out with my fiance.

That returning emails is not as important as getting my work out done.

Although my birthday tomorrow will be much more low key than when I turned the big 4-0, I am looking forward to it. I have much to celebrate and be thankful for. The most important thing I have to celebrate and be thankful for is the fact that I get to keep going on this crazy journey which is otherwise known as my life. I am still alive. I get to experience more joy, more hugs, more tears, and more laughs. Tomorrow I get to sit back and say once again, “Yes, I have gotten here.” And like last year, I once again have the opportunity to realize even more of my hopes and dreams in the next year of my life.

I really could not ask for more.

Photo Courtesy of Chuck Myers

Waterworld

April 26, 2012 / / 2 Comments
“The water is your friend. You don’t have to fight with water, just share the same spirit as the water, and it will help you move.” ~ Aleksandr Popov

I have not been in a regulation sized pool or swam a lap since freshman year of high school. Sure, I have been in backyard pools and in the ocean but not a REAL pool. I learned to swim later than most kids; I was about thirteen or so. As an awkward, geeky, and somewhat overweight freshman in high school, the swimming portion of our physical education classes was a nightmare for me. I will spare you the details but at that age, you can just imagine.

Anyways, I recently changed gyms and one of the major factors in that decision was because this gym has a pool and I thought it would be a good way for me to get the exercise I need when my Sjogren’s symptoms are flaring up; which can make even going for a walk difficult at times. However I had fallen five weeks ago and sustained a nasty wound to my knee which needed to fully heal before I could go in the water. This week it finally healed.

I had a lot of doubt about my ability to swim laps without making a spectacle of myself (completely unfounded worry) and I figured I would start my new found aquatic life with a water aerobics class. Of course this means going out in public in a bathing suit; which I had some anxiety over. It actually makes no sense because I go to the beach and walk around there in a bathing suit, but there was something about doing so in a pool area, at a gym with fit people, that seemed more intimidating to me. I hate the fact that even at the age of forty, I still concern myself with issues like this.

But of course I sucked it up and was constantly telling myself that people are there to work out and not notice how fat I may look in my bathing suit. Be brave I told myself. This is not high school. And I was fine.

The second I got my body in that pool, I felt like I was in pure heaven. I have struggled so much with my autoimmune illness and physical challenges over the past several months. I have also struggled with body image issues, as obviously noted above, related to not only the physical pain and fatigue I experience, but also related to the side effects of my steroids. These have included swelling, weight gain, and my hair falling out in clumps on a daily basis. In the pool though, my body feels less broken. It is lighter. I feel my muscles relax. I feel capable and strong. I even swam two laps doing what I think is a breast stroke. And I didn’t have a heart attack.

There are multiple issues to consider when someone with Sjogren’s syndrome spends time in a pool. Chlorine can be irritating to my already very dry eyes as well as possibly to my lungs. I did not put my face in the water today at the class, but I love to swim underwater. I think investing in a pair of swim goggles might be in order. I also need to remember to put in eye drops immediately before and after being in the pool. I am hoping that the chlorine will not be a problem for my allergies or lungs but if it does become an issue, that’s what I have a pulmonologist for. Those of us with Sjogren’s also struggle with severe dry skin issues which can be exacerbated my chlorine. Luckily, I live five minutes from the gym. My intent is to plan my morning so that I immediately go home and showe and apply body cream after being in the pool.

The class itself went well. I was not sure that I was getting much of a work out because my heart wasn’t pumping as hard as it does with other forms of exercise. And of course there was no sweating involved. We did something called water walking which involved a flotation device thing. We did stretching and aerobic exercises in both the shallow and deep ends. We also used light weights with some of the exercises. It didn’t even really feel like I was exercising at times although towards the end of the hour, I did notice I was appropriately short of breath. Time will tell because if I am sore tomorrow morning, then I had a good work out. Also I had an excellent night’s sleep last night and I have been exhausted since leaving the gym. It doesn’t feel like autoimmune related fatigue or coming off prednisone fatigue. It feels like your ordinary exhaustion from exercising.

Unfortunately, I also had to bring Molly for a walk this morning after the class as she has not been getting out enough and is acting like a total nut at times because of that. So now I am completely exhausted but besides a headache, I can say that I don’t have any pain. It is still a challenge for me to plan my days so that I can appropriately pace myself physically in terms of getting in my physical therapy, strength training, and cardiovascular work outs. As well as walking Molly, housework, medical appointments, shopping, cooking meals, etc. Before Sjogren’s, I could just plow through my day, but now my body requires frequent rest periods. It will all come together eventually I suppose. I have no choice but to make it work.

And the best part?

Ten minutes in the hot tub afterwards.

Nirvana!

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